Candles to Change Reality

 

“Our special candles promise to change your very reality,” the shop clerk explained.

Teri gave him a doubtful look, “change my reality?”

“Oh yes. Here. Pick a color,” the clerk prompted.

“Hunter green.”

“Consider it done. Take your mind to a clear place. Focus only on the sound of my voice and this very fine long neck lighter I am placing into your hand,” the clerk was confident, if a little ‘carnival side show.’  “Now, light your candle.

Teri flicked the lighter and ignited the wick.

“And boom!” The clerk said, “Now you own a candle! Your reality is changed.”

 

Advertisements

People on the Highway

People on the Highway in eBook format with a handful of book only stories is free 9/27 to 10/1! Get your copy here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS and be sure to check out my other Amazon stuff.

For work I travel between a couple of different locations every day.  This is fine, but the travel does take me through the epicenter of a town with nearly twice the population of my own.  This population increase amounts to 25,024% increase in traffic at any time of day.  The math is weird, but it’s there. The change in seasons has driven (ba dum tss) people absolutely mad this week.

One person really took the title of “totally deranged road warrior” this week though.

Today’s tale: Cookie Monster

Continue reading

Douglas Doesn’t Know What Is Happening Right Now

The morning meeting was ready to begin.  Accounting, HR, sales; the big three teams were all present.

Douglas was the last to arrive.  He set his papers and laptop on the enormous table before him and took his seat.

“Thanks for waiting, everyone.  Where are we going to start, Mr. Withers?” Douglas asked the company president.

Mr. Withers had his back to the team around the table, fingers intertwined against his back and was whistling something that no one at the table could quite make out.  He finished his song and finally turned around a minute after Douglas asked the question.  Douglas was accustomed Mr. Withers’ antics, but even this was a bit odd.

“Today,” Mr. Withers started, “is going to be the day that they’re going to throw it back to you.”

Douglas had no idea what that meant.

“The word on the street that the fire in your heart has gone out,” Mr. Withers said, waving a hand over the meeting.

“Sir, are you having a stroke?” Douglas asked.

“All the road we have to walk are winding,” Mr. Withers continued, ignoring Douglas, “There are many things I would like to say to you, but I don’t know how.  I don’t know how.”

“Seriously, sir, do you smell toast?” Douglas asked.

“After all,” Mr. Withers began pointing to each and every team member one at a time, “you are my wonderwall.”

“None of these words mean anything! I’m calling an ambulance,” Douglas grabbed the conference call phone at the center of the table and sought immediate assistance.

 

Epilogue:

Mr. Withers was fine.  The office held a party with champagne.  It was an explosion of fun.  A regular supernova of a party.

 

Thanks for reading!
Some entertainment options you may enjoy:
Cursed by Dice podcast
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
Free books
$1 Books
Mugs

I can call it quits now

My list of crowning life achievements goes a bit like this:

  1. Marrying my wife
  2. Kids join the family
  3. Educational achievement
  4. Someone found my website by searching “lame jokes at night”
  5. Made a really good taco that one time.

Talk about life goals, eh? Sure the search probably came from Bing and I don’t want to know the searcher on a personal level because of that, but now I know that if someone out there is (literally) searching for lame jokes at night this little website will be there for them.

Achievement unlocked. I’m going home.

Well.

I am home. Double achievement unlocks! It is a good day.

Cursed by Dice a new RPG Podcast

A brand spankin’ new podcast for the story telling, group game playing folks out there.  Cursed by Dice uses the Fate Core system to (poorly) help heroes solve puzzles, battle foes and try their best to start a VW bus.

It can be found on iTunes here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cursed-by-dice/id1271099109

The Cursed By Dice website is begging for followers right here: https://cursedbydice.wordpress.com

Follow us on Twitter @CursedByDice  

I want to make the whole thing as interactive as a podcast can be, so I’m asking for listener help in suggesting items, names, places and all the 80s references you can provide and we’ll work them into the story.  Send a tweet, a comment, an email, choose your method of communication and we’re there.  Check out the cursedbydice.wordpress.com site for full details on contacting the show.

For those not using iTunes as their preferred podcast source, the hosted version can be found here: http://www.podcasts.com/cursed-by-dice-01b9cda3c or add it the RSS to your podcast player with this link: http://www.podcasts.com/rss_feed/d084bd366bc1fade9e2ac9a0b7f46f2e

 

I’m super excited for this one and hope you like it too. Putting together a fun story alongside some of my favorite people has been tremendous fun and they are so very entertaining.  If you do like the show, a review and/or sharing the show with your friends, family, neighbors, or even your enemies is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading and listening!

Let’s Talk About It

A long time ago, I did a podcast thing.  Realized pretty quickly it was garbage and have not returned to the medium since.  However, I adore podcasts.  It is a wildly intriguing way to tell a story, reach an audience and keep from being incredibly bored.  Fun times all around.

So I’ve been kicking around some ideas for new venture of my own.  Here’s what’s up for consideration:

Backstories for the spam bots that leave blog comments that immediately go to trash.

Tales about objects found in famous criminal’s possessions at the time of their end/arrest.

How to cope with always losing board and card games.  For reals.  It hurts after a while.

Ranking photography. Continue reading

The Five Secrets of Harold Cape

Harold Cape was a simple man.  Described most often as honest, loyal and even tempered, he would have made a good mayor or barber.  He craved not the power of local government or the comradeship of a barber shop, though, and instead opted for a career as a craftsman putting together perfectly constructed fishing poles.

His poles were displayed in the dens of wealthy men and women who had never sat at a lake’s shore, but that did not bother him in the slightest.  He took their money and bought himself the boat of his dreams so he could catch a fish or two.  He was a simple man.

Even simple men can be complex at times.  For example, Harold Cape had never told anyone that he had memorized the words of Green Day’s American Idiot.  He was well outside of that album’s target demographic when it was released, but he knew good music when he heard it and now whistles the melody of St. Jimmy while sailing his dream boat and catching fish.

He was no fan of puns.  He once punched a stranger in a bar for making a crude play of words involving the free peanuts.  When his wife picked him up at the police station following a brief holding period, he told her there was an unpaid parking ticket under with his name attached that caused the trouble.  No one, not even fishing buddies, would believe that he once punched a man for something so trivial.

He hated lying about that.  He hated lying in general.  Harold Cape feared lies.  He felt he was too dumb to keep track of the truths he said, how in the world could he keep up with the lies?  This fear made him an incredibly honest person, but he likes to make others believe he is capable of lies.  Usually this amounts to little more than ending a statement with “or is it?” Followed soon with a dramatic ‘bum bum bum.”

His fondness for cake once cost him a winning lottery ticket.  He told the story once to his oldest son and made him promise to never tell his mother.  As he told the story, he was standing in line a gas station when he saw a flash of light from the corner of his eye.  He over reacted initially, thinking the light was sourced at an incoming squirrel or other threat, but when he looked quickly to his right he saw a display of cake and other sugary treats.  His stomach roared and his brained pleaded for the dopamine rush of a sugar binge.  He left the line and went to stare at the desserts for a solid fifteen minutes.

The store sold a winning lottery ticket that weekend at 3:58 pm, exactly one minute after Harold had left the line.  The man behind him had taken home 3.5 million dollars lump sum.  Harold was furious.

It was in his anger that Harold did something he promised himself he would keep secret beyond the grave.  The Monday after he discovered what happened with the lottery ticket, he donned a mask and grabbed a bat.  He ran, he was younger then and still believed running was a thing people should do, to the gas station and robbed the store.  He took a stack of scratch tickets, five Slim-Jims, a pack of M&Ms and a cigar he did not intend on smoking.  Then he ran off to the night.  He was upset with how good he felt after the robbery.

When he was far enough from the scene, he began scratching off the lottery tickets to see what he had won.  He never claimed the seven dollars that showed up over the 200 tickets.

Harold Cape makes fishing poles.  He’s honest, loyal and even tempered.  He put a lot of effort in making sure this is what people think of him.  If his secrets got out, well, by golly that would be devastating.