Caution or Results

“We should be cautious.  Rushed decisions lead to disaster,” Myla cautioned.

“This isn’t like that weekend in Miami.  We’ll be fine,” Ryon said.

“Caution sent Dex home last time.  We need to make a choice and we need to make it now,” Chi said, bluntly.  He was tired of waiting.  Myla’s caution and Ryon’s inability to take a side had always back their progress.  Chi just wanted it over.  The day had been long and tiresome and the night ahead held no changes.

“Fine. Pepperoni and black olive.  Just place the order,” Myla hoped her choice was not too rushed.

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Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler: Dad, are you scared of monsters?

Me: Certain monsters.

Toddler: Like Godzilla?

Me: More like anxiety, depression, cancer. They’re different types of monsters.

Toddler: Monsters like Godzilla?

Me: Just like Godzilla.

Toddler: ‘Cause I’m not scared of Godzilla.

Me; Oh.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Headlines of Shadow Gulch’s Newspaper, The Local, from 2117

I’m a future thought sort of person.  The present is incredibly hard to live in and difficult to navigate but by golly six steps ahead makes total sense.

I also need better hobbies for Monday nights, but that’s an issue for a different time.  Better hobbies in general.

Here now. Headlines from 2117, as reported in the local newspaper The Local, the most highly circulated publication in Shadow Gulch.  Population 2,495.  3,495 in tourist season.

 

February 3: Mayor States “All is Well” Following Smoke Leak at Factory

March 18: St. Patrick’s Day Festival Pretty Routine, Very Warm

April 1: Sky Turns Weird Shade of Blue for Three Hours

April 7: Retraction: Trying To Revive Ancient April Fools Day Tradition was Poor Taste. Sky Regular Shade of Blue

April 15: Whoops! Sky Weird Blue Again

April 16: The Local Gets New Editor!

June 3: Weird Blue Shade Called ‘Indigo’

June 6: Sky Back to Standard Blue. Investigation Pending

July 12: Remember that Smoke Leak? It Was a Problem.

July 14: New Editor Was Government Mole or Spy or something. Take the Streets Citizens of Shadow Gulch!

July 15: Meet the New Staff at The Local

July 16: You Know Who’s Pretty Cool? The Hivemind of The Great Dyleiar Plant.

August 18: Hivemind Hosting Bake Sale This Weekend.

September 1: New Assimilates from Bake Sale Shout (In Unison) “We are Legion! We are Hivemind!”

September 19: Home and Garden Show A Hit! (Also; Hivemind Assimilating Neighboring Towns)

October 2: Hivemind Will Deliver News Directly to All Joined Brains For Foreseeable Future

December 18: Shadow Gulch Liberated From Hivemind of Dyleiar Plant. Town Not Sure How to Feel.

December 28: Factory Leaking Smoke Again and We’re All Cool With it.

 

 

Thanks for reading! I’m off to bed.

Slight Changes to Ruin Things

There are countless untold stories, myriad ways to create and add to the human experience.  The wonder of existence knows no bounds and we should all probably spend our time learning and growing and helping.

That’s not happening here tonight.

Here now: Products that fail if their titles are expanded even slightly.

Way Too Sticky Notes

T.B.V.

Toilet Papier-Mache

Kitchen Sinkhole

Netflixed and Chilled Ham

Wine Hat Rack

Cell phone tower defense

Laundry Damper

Car Billiards Lane

Numb Lock

 

Sunday nights are getting weirder and weirder.  What even is chilled ham?

Thanks for reading!

 

The Garden Tour (In 100 Words)

“The hotel has taken an …unique approach to the gardens this year,” Elizabeth commented, trying to avoid being rude.

“This is really upsetting,” Carl did not consider the feelings of the nearby garden staff.

The two, enjoying a weekend away at a hotel recommended by friends and internet alike, stared at tall trees depicting scenes of ruined buildings, Orwellian propaganda, mushroom clouds, mutated humanoid creatures and other imagery of collapsed or dying societies.

“Perhaps I can explain,” said a smooth voice from behind the couple.  “We try to match pop-culture with our designs.  To keep hip, these here are distopiaries.”

 

Thanks for reading!
I’m sure the jokes been done before, but by golly, distopiary is a fun word.

Not So Intimidating Nicknames

“You shoulda’ paid up.” Notorious words from a notorious mobster who ignored the fact that there was a Great Depression going on.

“I just need another week,” pleaded a bad gambler.

“You’ve had four extra weeks.  Now it’s time you meet Joey ‘Tummy Possum’ Doogan.” The mobster threatened. From a dark corner of the room, Tummy Possum appeared.

“Wait, your frightening enforcer name is Tummy Opossum? Not even Skull Ferret or Jaw-lamander? I’d be good with being ended by a Stomach Squirrel,” the bad gambler was less than pleased with the situation.

“I make your abdomen do more than play dead,” Tummy Opossum threatened.

“Oh! That’s good. That’s intimidating.  Nicely done. I’m good with this now.  Let’s do it,” the gambler came to peace.

“You know what? Take a week.  You pull this off, you join my crew.  We need a Skull Ferret on board.”  The mobster said.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Fragile Exits

“We’re almost home free!” The gruff and grizzled expedition leader shouted.  The team had evaded monsters torn from nightmares, creatures bent on their destruction, and traps that could only have created by a most deranged mind.

The loot was worthwhile.  Each of the adventurers carried sacks of gold and ancient artifacts that would make them wealthy beyond imagination, and in some way help the general knowledge of human history which was a very nice secondary perk of the trip.

“They ate Jenkins!” The group’s local historian said, finally able to still herself long enough to realize the horrors the temple had unleashed.

“But they didn’t eat you,” the leader said, trying to keep the historian focused.  “Just a few steps more. I can see the doorway out up ahead.”

“There it is!” The group’s hired gun was overjoyed at the site of one final sandstone slab between him and freedom.

The last three stood in front of the doorway and tried to figure out how to open it.

“If I’m reading this right, the doorway says we have to create something so fragile saying its name will break it.” The historian said.

“Oh! Oh! I’ve heard this one! We have to be silent.  Have to quiet as little mice.  Saying ‘silence’ breaks the silence.  We can’t talk.  Everyone shush.” The hired gun said.

The historian and the leader fell quiet and waited.

“It should just take a moment,” the hired gun said a beat later.  “Just have to be really quiet.  Can’t even hear a pin drop.”

The historian cleared her throat, trying to send a message.

“That’s too loud. Be quiet everybody,” the hired gun said.

From down the hallway, the sound of claw on stone echoed.

“We have to be quieter. How can we be quieter?” The hired gun nervously asked.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” the leader said.  She placed her hand over the mercenary’s mouth and made him silent.

The door slid downward and the three adventurers escaped the temple.

 

Thanks for reading!