Common Conversations with My Toddler

Me: Breakfast is served!

Toddler: I don’t want this.

Me: You said you wanted waffles.

Toddler: I want eggs and bacon like you and brother.

Me: You have waffles.

Toddler: But I want eggs.

Me: Can you say please?

Toddler: Can I please have eggs?

Me: Sure.  Here’s my breakfast.  Now please eat.

Toddler: Thanks.

Me: Time to eat though.

Toddler: I’m not hungry.

Me: Oh good golly, kiddo.


Thanks for reading!


Project Ends Project Begins

This week, a career-making project comes ended.  Lots of hours, lots of planning, lots of not seeing my kids.  I’m pretty stoked to see it all end, but now I’m left to wonder what big project comes next.  I could finish a book, but that alone doesn’t make for a funny blog post written while overdosing on dayquil and 4 hours of sleep.  Not funny at all.

Here are some projects I’m tossing around to fill the void:

Streamline hamster cages. All of them.

Paint an art-deco homage to “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” but the people are replaced with hamsters.

Sound design overhaul of the entire 6th season of (New) Doctor Who to replace the sounds of the Silence with squeaky hamster cage wheels.

A critical analysis of the early work of Walt Whitman focusing on the interactions of man and nature and cybernetic implants to aid in the control of Morlocks. Or something.  This one is still on a “project planning” stage.

Learn to curse in a new language.

Check it. Reboot Ratatouille but…with hamsters.

Market a new line of lab coats.  They look like typical lab coats, but the pocket on the front has a circle game insignia.  Science will never be the same.

Tire swings for hamsters.


In all likelihood, I’ll just sleep.  Super tired.

Have a good weekend!


Magic Words

The evil Dr. Sharp fell to the floor, unconscious and defeated. Even with their foe defeated, the work of The Hero Consortium was not yet complete.

“Get the shut-off words already!” The Wet Blanket shouted, using the power of gravity to bring a group of flying drones created by Dr. Sharp down.

Squeak was busy assembling a cadre of sentient balloon animals to help fend off the few remaining minions of the evil doctor, “I’m running low on supplies and it looks like Bookworm and Ocelot are running out of steam against the robot.  Packet, what’s your timeline?”

Packet made her final keystrokes and cracked Dr. Sharp’s encryption.  “I got it! I got it!” Packet shouted back. Continue reading

The Wisdom of Elders – A Fable

The first draft of an ancient fable that said the right things, the wrong way:

A child ran into the woods and came upon a wise dog.  The dog, sitting on a rock enjoying a lazy afternoon while sipping a mojito, saw the child and the child’s tears and wondered what was happening to cause such strife.

“Child,” the dog asked, “what troubles you? What has happened to cause such strife in a young person’s life?”

The child wiped away a wave of tears and replied, “the village elders think I know nothing, but I know a lot! I know more than them!”

The dog held back the laughter caused by the child’s statement.  “Child, your elders have seen and experienced much in this world.  Time holds many secrets and many lessons.  You must have a long friendship with Time before you too will know its secrets,” the dog said, sincerely.

“But I already know stuff! I know how to hunt and harvest.  I know how to weave and wade.  They all dismiss me as though I know none of this!” The child remained steadfast in his perception of being slighted by the village elders.

“I argue that they simply want you to know your limitations.  You may know how to harvest, but do you know when to plow the field?  You can wade in the water, but do you know when the tide will rise? These are things only Time can teach you,” the dog said.

“Time is the worst!” The child shouted.

It the was the shriek of the child’s voice that triggered the giant trap-door spider to lunge and encase its prey.

“That was wonderfully executed,” the dog said to the spider.

“We’ll eat for days!” The spider said.

“The power of teamwork, my friend.  The true moral of any story,” the dog said.

“Yes! Teamwork does indeed make the dream work!” The spider said before moving back into its hole.




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Deck and Amy Plan an Escape

“This is going to suck,” Deck said.  He and Amy sat in a parked car outside an event center which housed this year’s company holiday party.  Snow fell ever so gently outside.  The dark of night lit by brake lights of coworkers experiencing the exact same moment of dread.

“We need a keyword.  Some phrase or term to signal the other that it is time to leave,” Amy suggested.

“A safe word?” Deck said, giggling.

“This is more serious than you seem to think it is,” Amy said as more of a warning that a statement. Continue reading

Dear Future Past Me

Dear Future Past Me,

I found it. I finally found it; the one thing that smells worse than time travel.  I find ourself in the middle of the Industrial Revolution on the banks of the Thames.  I was expecting something like that totally awesome and woefully underrated Fable 3 game, even tried to kick a chicken but found something entirely different.

First up; the air.  Thick with smog.  I thought those Dickens stories detailed this whole thing to an elevated level. Nope.  This is the pits.  I’d offer Oliver more soup, but its full of smog by the time ladle meets the bowl.

Second; Rat Kings.  If I could describe this phenomenon with one word it would be “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I read a book saying these things were fake.  They were nothing more than the creation of a bored citizen.  They were myths.  They are real as a papercut but a papercut is more inviting.  I saw one carry off a cat. A full grown cat.

Third; the food.  I think Worcestershire sauce was just invented.  Ketchup has been around since 1812.  Not one person knows how to use either of these.  I was handed some sort of tube meat and ate it against our better judgment.  Ketchup would have rocked.

Fourth; I have no idea what people are saying.  I need a slang dictionary.  Someone said, “batty fang” to us.  I assumed there was a bat or something around us.  Instead, the brute punched our face – don’t worry, it super hurts- and ran off.  A constable came up to me after chasing off the attacker, mentioned something about my reaction being slow and needing to work on my “daddles” “forthwith”.  I’m just saying ‘proper copper coffee pot’ over and over again hoping the cop was referring to my interactions with other humans.

I’m going to set a course for a place known for good bread and not face-punching strangers next.  Maybe Idaho in the 1970s.  Can travel anywhere in time and most of space, but recent history Idaho sounds pretty interesting right about now.

Be well future past me,


First Chapter

Earlier this month, unbeknownst to me because of spectacular inability to check email, the very first place to publish something I wrote shut down.  Jukepop Serial started a whole bunch of really amazing authors (still no idea how/why they picked my story, but it was pretty cool nonetheless).  The site no longer exists, likey because its authors (read: me) did absolutely nothing to promote visitation.  Sorry.

It was a really, really fun experience to submit that first chapter of Wren, wait ten days, get an acceptance email and start writing a superhero adventure in a serial format.  While I was actively writing the serial I gained a few regular readers and chit-chatted with them over Twitter and email.  Thanks to Wren, I gained exposure and had my full book, Pendleton Connor Claims the Sky picked up by an indie publisher (but, please don’t buy it ’cause that publisher should not get any money ever and I republished it on my own – once the original contract expired- as The Egress and the Jupiter Cult, but the first title was so much cooler).  From all that came this blog, a number of self published books, writing for Project Nerd for regular movie reviews, and so, so many started stories that have stalled out.

Wren started it all though.  I’m sad to see Jukepop go, but the serial fiction boom they helped re-invigorate is still going strong.  I have no idea what to do with Wren now.  Frankly, I just don’t like most of the later chapters and have no energy to redo it.  The start though, good golly, that start is still pretty dang good if I do say so myself.  Jukepop paid a certain amount per word up to $100 and thanks to the power of math, that full $100 came if your accepted story was 5,000 words to start.  Incredibly unfriendly to the internet reading audience.  The number of readers from chapter 1 to chapter 2 dropped about 60%.  It was a crazy idea to start off with such a wall of text.

Here now, the first thing I ever had published.

Chapter 1 Continue reading