We here at the BI-GM-O Firm understand public concern about our particular brand of genetically modified organisms. The last few months have certainly added tremendously to what was already a trust issue between the public and the Firm. This is all my fault.
Hi. I’m Taron Ungersun, CEO of BI-GM-O, here to talk to you about missteps that have occurred under my watch.
First, we gave a dog wings. This was a mistake. We thought Bigmo, as was his name-o, would revolution the pet industry. Instead, Rhode Island’s most prevalent invasive species is a nervous airborne Doberman with intestinal issues. The pigeon problem is slightly receding though. We need to enjoy the small victories. We have announced a three billion dollar recovery plan to capture the winged hellhounds, bring them back home and have this all settled by Spring.
For the second issue, I need a moment of your time.
You see, we’re going to space and we need to take animals with us. We did not select the right animals this time around. Our lead geneticist, Robin Robinson, thought that making snails as fast as a three-legged cheetah was a good plan. Nope. “Quick snail” is an oxymoron and something out of the nightmares of Stephen King. Please forgive us. To begin the process of rebuilding bridges, I want everyone to know that if you catch a snail, BI-GM-O will give you one hundred credits up to five snails. Please do not hunt down the sixth snail. They will remember. It is a super creepy ‘sixth sense’ these things have.
Finally, the armadillo made of arms and dill weed. This experiment is indicative of the culture issues plaguing BI-GM-O Firm. For too long, we have been too literal. This ends now. The armadillo upset children. All children. The gold fish, the coffee table, the oscillating ocelot, the PANda; all came from a good place. All ended in out of court settlements to retirement communities.
Please know that we at BI-GM-O Firm have heard you and are working to correct or locate our mistakes. Thank you for your time.