Deck and Amy Plan an Escape

“This is going to suck,” Deck said.  He and Amy sat in a parked car outside an event center which housed this year’s company holiday party.  Snow fell ever so gently outside.  The dark of night lit by brake lights of coworkers experiencing the exact same moment of dread.

“We need a keyword.  Some phrase or term to signal the other that it is time to leave,” Amy suggested.

“A safe word?” Deck said, giggling.

“This is more serious than you seem to think it is,” Amy said as more of a warning that a statement. Continue reading

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Squeak’s Interview (A Transcript)

Transcript of First Television Interview of Beloved Superhero Squeak.

Squeak: I have to say, while this microphone is strapped to parts of me even my, uh, ‘special partners’ [Laughter] don’t touch, this is the most surreal moment of my life.

Rebecca Carver, Interviewer: [Laughter] Is that because you are the subject of people’s attention and this is the first step to interviews becoming commonplace or because Rocco’s hands are strangely cold?

Squeak: The Rocco part. Thanks, Rocco! [Laughter]

RC: First question, first real question anyway, which of your creations has been your favorite?

Squeak: Mouse.  For the simple purpose of it matches my name so well.  But, you know, this question has come up before when I do mock interviews in my own head following a battle with a big bad.  [Laughter]

RC: Your powers have certainly helped you face down a fair shake of evil doers.

Squeak: Here’s the thing about using my powers of bringing balloon animals to life in order to fight the criminal underworld that plagues this city, the real work is not done by me.  The real work is done by Mouse and Bad Hat, by Snake and Hot Dog, by Sword and Puppy and Horse and Framed House and Big Ol’ Circle.  I just give them life.  And commands to viciously maul bank robbers.

RC: That’s very noble of you, Squeak, but none of it happens without you and your ability to literally breathe life into these crime stoppers, our city would be a much different place.

Squeak: Wanna know something funny?

RC: Please!

Squeak: My powers don’t work on water balloons.

RC: Really? Why do you think that is?

Squeak: I suspect they are pure evil.

RC: Having been in water balloon fights, I agree.

Squeak: One moment, Rebecca, sorry. My crime fighter flashy thing is doing its flashy thing.  A message will come through in a moment. The police chief gave this to me.  Kinda’ like one of those “your table is ready” buzzers at Chili’s, but this is a call to justice, not cheese sticks. Here we go.

[Silence]

Squeak: I must run.  There’s trouble downtown.

RC: Rocco, get the mic off quick!

Squeak: [Laughter] Thank you, Rocco.

RC: Good luck, Squeak.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Slight Changes to Ruin Things

There are countless untold stories, myriad ways to create and add to the human experience.  The wonder of existence knows no bounds and we should all probably spend our time learning and growing and helping.

That’s not happening here tonight.

Here now: Products that fail if their titles are expanded even slightly.

Way Too Sticky Notes

T.B.V.

Toilet Papier-Mache

Kitchen Sinkhole

Netflixed and Chilled Ham

Wine Hat Rack

Cell phone tower defense

Laundry Damper

Car Billiards Lane

Numb Lock

 

Sunday nights are getting weirder and weirder.  What even is chilled ham?

Thanks for reading!

 

Halloween Weekend Adventures of the 21st Century

Halloween has been around for quite some time, but this year things are getting all future focused.  Magic and dread, the real themes of this cherished holiday are going to invade every aspect of modern life in the days before October comes to an end.

Spooky things such as…

This weekend, your favorite ride share service can be reached by picking up a corded telephone, staring at it and thinking of a rat surfing atop a sea of eels.

Partying down? Clubs will allow entrance to those able to take the wrappings of a mummy, feeding them to a goose and mumbling the words of Michael Jackson’s lines from the Bad music video.

All your passwords this weekend will feature a capital letter, a number and a symbol representing the sound of an elder god brought to tears by its enormous power.

For the “swiping” crowd, the function will now require you to raise your phone to the sky, shake it wildly and then consume the feather of a fallen raven between the hours of 1 and 3 am as the white glow of Moonlight spills over the streets of Albany.

All questions poised to Siri shall be chanted in rhythm and cadence matching that of Turn the Beat Around, by the beloved vocalist Gloria Estefan.  Not spooky enough for a holiday dedicated to the ghosts and ghouls that shall haunt your every step? Well, keep in mind Ms. Estefan’s rendition of the disco classic was released in 1994 and you are drawing ever closer to the end of your own years.

Holding a pillow case in one hand and a plastic fork from Ikea in the other, consider the plight of the Monarch butterfly as it traverses the North American continent.  Only then will your precious Hot Pocket heat all the way through.

Recharging your cellular phone or other LTE connected device can only be accomplished by taking a photograph of your indoor potted plants and burying a printed copy of that photograph below the floorboards that hold up your grandmother’s rocking chair.

 

It is going to be one crazy weekend.  Happy Halloween!

 

Thanks for reading.

Time for a Replacement

“What are you up to?” Abe whispered.

“We need new sheets,” April answered equally quiet. The couple laid in bed waiting for their young children to finally slip into sleep for the evening.

“Why spend the cash? We got three sets at our wedding. We’re fine.” Abe was, as always, concerned about the young family’s finances.

“We’ve been married for ten years,” April pointed out.

Abe’s eyes widened. “What? No. That just happened.”

“Ha! Right?” April proceeded checkout.

 

Dear Future Past Me

Dear, Future Past Me,

Good news! Your time travel device first thought up during that table tennis game in middle school works! You’ll be 37 years old and nursing a hang over because a college buddy named Tankard showed up and suggested doing shots the night before you create the machine, but your idea is valid.  Be proud of yourself/me/us(?)!

Bad news! Time travel is weird.  First up, you’ll get covered in a strange goop as if the Nickelodeon slime of our youth is actually what holds space-time together.  I can’t explain it. Perhaps Mark Summers simply wanted to grant children power over time. Perhaps cosmic forces like pranks.  Know this though; you will be gooey when you arrive any where.

Also, it is nothing like Sliders. Nothing at all.  Sure, yeah, they were moving through dimensions.  I thought time travel would do the same stuff, as you probably know because you are me and I am you, but that’s not the point.  Turns out, you step on a butterfly in the past and another butterfly just takes its place.  There are literally millions of butterflies.  Time travel is super depressing by making you realize that nothing is special or unique.  It’s just gooey.

Next up. You’re gooey and stepping on butterflies all the time. That’s a given at this point.  Turns out, the past is incredibly boring.  I’m writing this note while sitting in Cleopatra’s court.  Marc Antony is due to arrive in a few months and I know how things are going to play out, but they don’t.  Dramatic irony is super fun in a prime time drama, but when it plays out in real time and you don’t have popcorn at the ready, life is just one big Dilbert cartoon. Kinda’ boring and feels like there should be a joke, but it never comes up.  You know how we feel about Dilbert though.

More bad news, home-me (ha! just thought of that one. Homie, but we’re the same person), we’re not going to get out of Cleopatra’s court.  The time machine is busted up, war is coming, and things are looking bleak.  I’m hoping some archaeologist recovers this scroll written in 2010s English and resists the urge to throw it away.  Don’t throw this out, bruh! I have my doubts though.  I’m pretty sure this piece of strange fabric won’t survive any of the stuff it is going to see over a couple millennia.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if “Don’t throw this out, bruh!” is the only surviving piece? Good golly that would be amazing.

Obviously my warning goes unheeded since I still end up here.  Maybe I can prevent one little problem though; never travel with a fully grown pig.

No, no, you know what, Me? Do.  It was pretty funny the first time.

 

Safe time travels, me!

Signed,

Me. You.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

The Ancient Tome

“So you’ve cracked the case, eh?” Doctor Lily Plant asked her research assistant.

“It took some work, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” Susan “Sue” Lawyer replied.

The two moved their attention to an ancient text found in the tomb of a forgotten king of a forgotten kingdom.  The researchers tried n0t to focus on how an entire dynasty could be lost to time, and instead gaze upon the gorgeous calligraphy and art wrapped in hand tanned leather.

“What is it?” Dr. Plant asked.

“It appears to be knock knock jokes,” Lawyer explained.

“Nice,” Dr. Plant was very proud.