The Ancient Tome

“So you’ve cracked the case, eh?” Doctor Lily Plant asked her research assistant.

“It took some work, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” Susan “Sue” Lawyer replied.

The two moved their attention to an ancient text found in the tomb of a forgotten king of a forgotten kingdom.  The researchers tried n0t to focus on how an entire dynasty could be lost to time, and instead gaze upon the gorgeous calligraphy and art wrapped in hand tanned leather.

“What is it?” Dr. Plant asked.

“It appears to be knock knock jokes,” Lawyer explained.

“Nice,” Dr. Plant was very proud.

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Answers from the Adviceroy

Dear Adviceroy,

I ran into a bit of a social quandary today and I know your winged knowledge can assist.  I am pretty sure my roommate used my toothbrush.  What’s the best way to bring up the subject and go about my gingivitis battling business?

Signed,
Brusher in Buffalo

Dear Brusher,

The easiest way to solve this issue is to collect five other toothbrushes, train them in five different martial arts fighting styles and decide upon a code word that will trigger them to form one giant, mightier (because teamwork) toothbrush that can battle away your roommate if push, neigh, if brush comes to shove.  Your mighty, transforming toothbrush team will work the problem out and you get to avoid a kind weird chat about how you found out the toothbrush was used erroneously.

Happy training!

Singed,
The Adviceroy

Do YOU have a question for the Adviceroy?  Well, the Adviceroy has answers for you.  Fill out the form below or click here to email the wee butterfly.

Movie Trailers

“Hey, this is Officer Barn and Detective Angle, we are very sorry to say this, but we actually cannot make it to the party tonight. So sorry. Stuff came up.  We’ll catch up soon.”

This fall, see Car 55, buddy cop-out movie.

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In the war between angel and demon, the tides are about to turn.  The demons have a new weapon here to finish the job. This fall come see…

“Shark!” the Herald Angel Sings

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A time travel tale as tall as they come.  A Centurion finds his way to the modern highways of America and has a bit of a walkabout.  Along they way, he learns a little of life, a little of love and lot about humanity.  Coming to CBS this fall, Roamin’

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The waters of Neverland are a distant memory.  No longer is he the right hand man of a man without one of his own.  This fall, your favorite first mate is back in the real world and has to get caught up quick.  This fall, your favorite new series; It’s News to Smee!

 

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Most people have a favorite place.  A quiet park. A seat on a train. A roller coaster.  For Danny Wilco, his favorite spot was the most encouraging place he knew; the line at his local coffee shop.  This fall, feel the power of the Right On! Queue.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Deck and Amy and the Order

“I’ll order, you find a table.” Deck said, sounding more confident than he felt in this situation.  Amy gave an questioning look, knowing he was far from confident in the task at hand.

“You sure?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got this. Burgers, drinks, fresh fries. What’s so hard?” Deck countered.

“They’re called French Fries,” Amy pointed out.

“That’s what I said,” Deck said, waving her to the seating area.  “I’ll be there in a jiffy.”

“Jiffy?” Amy teased the word choice.

Deck stood in line and watched order after order be taken.  The smell of deliciousness filled the hole-in-wall restaurant.  A morning of errand running had resulted an appetite that would either lead to “hangry” conversation with Amy or him collapsing on the cold sidewalk.  He hoped the others in line would excuse his drooling, but surmised they were likely unaware of his situation.  He was good with that.

Finally, his turn at the counter arrived.

“Hi, what can I get for you today?” The peppy cashier asked.

“I would like a Number Taco,” Deck said.  Six words in and he had ruined everything.  He shook his head.  “I am so sorry.  One Lumber Ton,” he again flubbed the line.  “I am so, so sorry.  I was in way over my head in this one.  I’m going to send my wife in to finish up the inning.  Calling in the lefty!” Deck joked.

He ran from the counter and found Amy.  “I have made a terrible mistake and we need to go somewhere else before we are allowed nowhere else, okay?”

Amy, having been in this situation before, gathered her coat and purse and calmly exited the restaurant.  Deck was already placing a web-order at a chain store down the street.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

Free books

$1 Books

Mugs and Stickers and other tangible things

Facebook for videos, links and shenanigans

Candles to Change Reality

 

“Our special candles promise to change your very reality,” the shop clerk explained.

Teri gave him a doubtful look, “change my reality?”

“Oh yes. Here. Pick a color,” the clerk prompted.

“Hunter green.”

“Consider it done. Take your mind to a clear place. Focus only on the sound of my voice and this very fine long neck lighter I am placing into your hand,” the clerk was confident, if a little ‘carnival side show.’  “Now, light your candle.

Teri flicked the lighter and ignited the wick.

“And boom!” The clerk said, “Now you own a candle! Your reality is changed.”

 

Gerard the Ghost and the Learner’s Permit

“Ow!” Martin shouted.  He was no fan of ironing, but never had it been a truly painful experience.  He grabbed his shoulder and looked at the floor to see what had hit him.  “What the crap? An apple?”

From the corner of the room came a tiny chuckle.

“Gerard!” Martin yelled.

Gerard answered with boisterous laughter.

“Come on, man, why would throw an apple at me?” Martin asked, hurt that the ghost in his house would be so mean.  He thought his friendship with the specter had progressed beyond petty pranks.

“I have to practice,” Gerard answered before tossing another apple.

Martin dodged the flying fruit and returned a dour glance back at Gerard. “Practice for what?”  Another apple whirred by his head before an answer came.

“For my poltergeist license.  I need 75 hours of harmless mischief and 10 hours of melting walls and 20 jump-scares to be fully licensed.  Once I get it, I have a world of opportunity open to me,” Gerard shared.

Martin was hurt by the idea that Gerard would want to leave for new adventures. Then another apple hit the wall behind him.  “Is this license the reason the sugar I put in my coffee this morning tasted heavily of salt?”

Gerard laughed.

“All the table chairs were slightly pushed out this morning too.  That you?” Martin asked.

Gerard laughed.

“Well, that is harmless mischief.  How many hours are you at?”

“I have 53 done so far.  I’m trying to knock the melting walls stuff out when you and Claire are at work.  That’s a weird requirement and you guys are so supportive and caring of my career aspirations,” Gerard answered.

“How about the jump scares?” Martin was very curious of this last point.

“Those I’m saving. I’m taking a cinematography class online and want to record the results, put a solid narrative behind it and make the film rounds. Any thing I make will be better than that Paranormal Activity garbage,” Gerard said.

Martin pondered his feelings on this matter for a moment.  “I support this.”

“Thank you,” Gerard said, opting to set down one final apple.

 

 

Thanks for reading!  Here’s Gerard’s first appearance

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
Free books
$1 Books
Mugs and Stickers and other tangible things
Facebook for videos, links and shenanigans

First and Last Party

It all started with a shout. “We’re throwing a party!” One housemate had decided the group’s future.

The words were well received and a party was planned, scheduled and promoted.  College had promised the best four years of their lives, and these housemates were going to make that happen.

The party proved to be the first and last at the house on Kemper street.  The reasons for this were cataloged in a journal known in the house as “The Book of Questions.” These were not questions they intended to answer, but phrases that made the residents of the little commune ask questions.  Phrases overheard the night of the party, as revelers were allowing themselves to become their true selves, as inhibition died and realness took hold.

Phrases that made the good people of Kemper Street question everything.

Here are selections from The Book of Questions:

“You don’t even know who Bon Jovi is.”

“Yeah, but what does Vampire Weekend really mean?”

“I don’t recycle, I just cycle.  I’m ride or die to the core.”

“Call it bean juice.”

“Clothes Pin is my wrestling alter-ego.”

“I’m thinking of minoring in mining.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! Quantum Leap is just a fever dream of a dying man.”

“I bet the Kool Aid man would know.”

“Mozart would kick Godzilla’s butt.”

“My Insta is nothing but pictures of donkeys and I don’t know how that happened.  Well, I do, but I one weird weekend shouldn’t destroy the entire explore algorithm.”

“Placemats are elitist.”

“Why don’t we just put permafrost in the freezer for a while?”

“Veggie hot dogs saved my life. Killed my cat, but saved my life.”

“If I had a nickle for every time I had to defend juggling…I could at least buy a six pack.”

“Cheese dip or GTFO, Chad!”

“My initiation involved running over LEGOs and I kinda’ liked it.”

 

 

Thanks for reading! While you’re here, People on the Highway, the eBook is available free through Sunday. Just click here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS Lots of short stories both funny and not intentionally funny