Doom was released in 2005 and was written, directed and starred by people who are really good at their jobs literally any other time you see their work. When I first saw the movie it was a Blockbuster rental to keep me company while I was too nervous to sleep while hospitalized with pneumonia while undergoing cancer treatment. I wasn’t hospitalized long, but I remember watching Zathura and King Kong (the early 2000s one with Jack Black) in full, hating every minute of both movies, and still being too nervous to sleep. I watched half of Doom and did not wake up until a nurse needed my blood just before sunrise. This is a terrible movie. Is there anything to learn from it though?
Lesson 1: Characterization
Right off the bat, we see a group of scientists running. We know they are scientists because of the lab coats. We know they are up to no good because the hallway in which they are running is dark and only evil science occurs in a dark hallway. One scientist, one of the last, falls behind as whatever creature they have brought to life gains ground on the group. The scientist that falls behind pleads for help, but the now lone survivor of the group, Dr. Conrad, closes the last door behind him. Dr. Conrad sucks and that’s all we know about the character.
The next lifetime of the movie is spent telling us about the crew that will go to the Mars base that just saw Dr. Conrad and team get eaten alive. We learn about Mac, Portman, Code, The Kid, Duke, Sarge, Reaper and get their names essentially through them picking up weaponry and an AI announces who picked up a rifle. My best guess is that we learn about the team just to try to get us to care about their pending deaths. They all seem like terrible people though. There’s no reason to care at all. A few characters I found myself rooting for the demons.
My take away from this; Avoid populating an entire cast with people who deserve death by demon devouring.
Lesson Two: Character connections
This movie has Karl Urban in it. His character, John I think -honestly it doesn’t matter- is really sad about having to go to Mars because of a very ominous “she” that keeps being mentioned. The audience is not let into the secret of who “she” might be. There is a secret lab on Mars full of monsters that are going to eat everyone, but the movie spends time creating tension through the unattached pronoun game.
Spoiler alert, Karl Urban and Rosamund Pike are brother and sister. I think their parents are dead and this was due to something that happened on Mars. Rosamund’s character stayed on Mars, Karl’s character now stares off into the distance when the word is mentioned.
My takeaway from this: None of this connection mattered. It didn’t help the characters seem more human. It didn’t help the demon plot. It was an added point of drama that meant nothing at all. I don’t mind a good shoehorned plot, but good golly let them make sense.
Lesson Three: Pacing
Like my first viewing, I passed out halfway through. The team had finally arrived on Mars, made their introductions and is fighting something in darkened hallways. I can’t see anything. There’s a zombie scientist. Boom. There was a zombie scientist. It was so, so boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Could be the age of the movie showing through, but the pacing was wrong and the intended drama felt like a Dunder Mifflin meeting during the Michael Scott era; awkward and uncomfortable and you want to find an exit. I found my way out through sleep.
My takeaway- drop the extra plot lines, drop the extra drama, make the pace work for the type of story you’re trying to tell. This was a story of fighting demons on Mars that somehow became one of interpersonal conflict, corporate intrigue, and Dwayne Johnson saying action star one-liners as everyone else tried to sell drugs to the rookie.
Final thoughts on the movie:
I’d still rather watch this trainwreck than Spider-Man 3.
Notes taken during the parts of the movie I was awake for:
Narration to kick us off.
Red planet Universal logo. Nice.
Camera shot from below the steel grates as scientists run away. Why do we want to see this?
Wow. This guitar track is atrocious.
Dr. Conrad saves himself because Dr. Conrad suuuuuuuuucks. Reveals classified research. Starts quarantine procedures.
Why are the computer monitors all big box? The future needed big screens?
Dwayne Johnson’s The Rock years are going to be studied in cinema classes one day.
Holy sh** Karl Urban?
Movie made in 2005 looks like 1998.
Oh no! Karl Urban has a terrible history with the site the RRTS (that’s an acronym that’s being tossed around) spot has to go to
Mac, Portman, Code, The Kid, Duke, Sarge, Reaper – names are given through computer voice instead as they pick up their weapons.
This movie wants to be Escape from New York so friggin’ much.
Ten years since Karl’s girl went ‘up there’ and this is apparently the cause of trepidation before taking on the assignment.
The director has no faith in Dwayne Johnson and the script only allows for Sarge to talk in catchphrases. Dude must watch Ballers and wonder what may have been.
FLYING V!
If they were traveling to the ARK first, and the ARK has a full and safe human staff, why did the team ready their weapons to enter the site?
ARK travel is actually pretty neat.
Portman is over the top creepy.
Reaper and The Doctor (Sam, but since everyone else has a cool nickname the trend should continue) have a history.
“A phone was left off the hook” is a legit line said in a 2005 movie. This off the hook phone gave important information. In a movie made in 2005.
They made a long foreign name joke. In 2005. Were the Bush years this dumb?
Animal research going on. The animals are all quiet and still until the monkey jump scares Duke. Then everything is awake.
I zoned out a bit during the exposition of Reaper and Sam’s issues.
Cormack ripped off his own ear! But he suuuuuuucks so I don’t care.
I hope Portman dies loudly, painfully and slowly.
The idea that the young recruit requires drugs to be competent at his job is insulting to juust about everything.
I believe Code has mental health problems.
Duke doesn’t do nano walls. I don’t know what this means. This is going to be another “why’s he reacting to that?” situation. Like Karl’s pronoun issue.
This is an ugly movie. The framing is always off. The color is VHS. There’s no definition.
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