Fragile Exits

“We’re almost home free!” The gruff and grizzled expedition leader shouted.  The team had evaded monsters torn from nightmares, creatures bent on their destruction, and traps that could only have created by a most deranged mind.

The loot was worthwhile.  Each of the adventurers carried sacks of gold and ancient artifacts that would make them wealthy beyond imagination, and in some way help the general knowledge of human history which was a very nice secondary perk of the trip.

“They ate Jenkins!” The group’s local historian said, finally able to still herself long enough to realize the horrors the temple had unleashed.

“But they didn’t eat you,” the leader said, trying to keep the historian focused.  “Just a few steps more. I can see the doorway out up ahead.”

“There it is!” The group’s hired gun was overjoyed at the site of one final sandstone slab between him and freedom.

The last three stood in front of the doorway and tried to figure out how to open it.

“If I’m reading this right, the doorway says we have to create something so fragile saying its name will break it.” The historian said.

“Oh! Oh! I’ve heard this one! We have to be silent.  Have to quiet as little mice.  Saying ‘silence’ breaks the silence.  We can’t talk.  Everyone shush.” The hired gun said.

The historian and the leader fell quiet and waited.

“It should just take a moment,” the hired gun said a beat later.  “Just have to be really quiet.  Can’t even hear a pin drop.”

The historian cleared her throat, trying to send a message.

“That’s too loud. Be quiet everybody,” the hired gun said.

From down the hallway, the sound of claw on stone echoed.

“We have to be quieter. How can we be quieter?” The hired gun nervously asked.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” the leader said.  She placed her hand over the mercenary’s mouth and made him silent.

The door slid downward and the three adventurers escaped the temple.

 

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Gerard the Ghost and the Learner’s Permit

“Ow!” Martin shouted.  He was no fan of ironing, but never had it been a truly painful experience.  He grabbed his shoulder and looked at the floor to see what had hit him.  “What the crap? An apple?”

From the corner of the room came a tiny chuckle.

“Gerard!” Martin yelled.

Gerard answered with boisterous laughter.

“Come on, man, why would throw an apple at me?” Martin asked, hurt that the ghost in his house would be so mean.  He thought his friendship with the specter had progressed beyond petty pranks.

“I have to practice,” Gerard answered before tossing another apple.

Martin dodged the flying fruit and returned a dour glance back at Gerard. “Practice for what?”  Another apple whirred by his head before an answer came.

“For my poltergeist license.  I need 75 hours of harmless mischief and 10 hours of melting walls and 20 jump-scares to be fully licensed.  Once I get it, I have a world of opportunity open to me,” Gerard shared.

Martin was hurt by the idea that Gerard would want to leave for new adventures. Then another apple hit the wall behind him.  “Is this license the reason the sugar I put in my coffee this morning tasted heavily of salt?”

Gerard laughed.

“All the table chairs were slightly pushed out this morning too.  That you?” Martin asked.

Gerard laughed.

“Well, that is harmless mischief.  How many hours are you at?”

“I have 53 done so far.  I’m trying to knock the melting walls stuff out when you and Claire are at work.  That’s a weird requirement and you guys are so supportive and caring of my career aspirations,” Gerard answered.

“How about the jump scares?” Martin was very curious of this last point.

“Those I’m saving. I’m taking a cinematography class online and want to record the results, put a solid narrative behind it and make the film rounds. Any thing I make will be better than that Paranormal Activity garbage,” Gerard said.

Martin pondered his feelings on this matter for a moment.  “I support this.”

“Thank you,” Gerard said, opting to set down one final apple.

 

 

Thanks for reading!  Here’s Gerard’s first appearance

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
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People on the Highway

People on the Highway in eBook format with a handful of book only stories is free 9/27 to 10/1! Get your copy here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS and be sure to check out my other Amazon stuff.

For work I travel between a couple of different locations every day.  This is fine, but the travel does take me through the epicenter of a town with nearly twice the population of my own.  This population increase amounts to 25,024% increase in traffic at any time of day.  The math is weird, but it’s there. The change in seasons has driven (ba dum tss) people absolutely mad this week.

One person really took the title of “totally deranged road warrior” this week though.

Today’s tale: Cookie Monster

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Making Meetings Better

The meeting was dragging on.  More than one person was visible zoned out and a few were taping the drum routine to Tom Sawyer by Rush.

“Management will have to review next quarter projections for accuracy before we take it to investors,” lead accountant Tim Sqaure informed the participants.  This phrase was uttered every quarter.

“Loraine, that’s your take away. Management roles are pretty sweet right,” Tim asked jokingly.

Loraine popped back to the meeting.  Management roles were pretty boring so far. She did have one little trick to make the title pretty fun though.

“But, I already have so much blood on my hands!” Loraine shouted, slapping a stack of papers.

The group chuckled politely.

“Ran that one into the ground already, eh?” Loraine asked.  “By your faces, yes. I’ll get those reviewed and approved by Friday.”

Wyker Chaare and the Deer Lord

“Jelena, Deer Lord, I have come to these woods to seek your wise counsel,” the elf wizard called Wyker Chaare greeted the majestic god of the wild.

“Approach, druid,” Jelena granted audience.

“My kingdom lays in ruin.  Enemy from within allied with enemy from afar.  Together, their forces over run the armies loyal to our king.  Now I venture, alongside this band of warriors behind me, intent on restoring order and peace.  We travel the world over assembling a force to bring an end to the usurper’s rule,” Wyker Chaare said, “I ask you, how can we win this?”

“Oh wow.  Wow, this is heavy, man,” Jelena replied.  “I’m more of the parable advice giver forest god.  You want advice on being calm as all get out, I’m your deer.  You need tips on handling interpersonal relationships? These antlers have you covered.  I even picked lottery numbers once.  You folks, you are looking for the mountain god, Ed.  Ed loves smashing things.  Take him a can of Pringles and you’re in.  Go see, Ed.”

“Ed?” Wyker repeated.  “I am unfamiliar with Ed.”

“You question my counsel, mortal?” Jelena asked.

“No offense, Deer Lord, no offense.  We shall seek this, Ed, and reclaim our lands.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Y’all go do that. I have a meeting to get to. An important meeting.  Bye.” Jelena nervously looked over the warriors before darting off into the woods.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Cursed by Dice podcast

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

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Perhaps buy me a coffee?

Cursed By Dice Episode 1

The first episode of the brand new Cursed By Dice podcast is available now!

Check out the podcast’s website here: https://cursedbydice.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/episode-1

Or head straight to the podcast on iTunes with this link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cursed-by-dice/id1271099109

I’m super excited about this project.  Lots of characters, monsters, puzzles and fun to take part in.

Give it a listen to find out how we’re planning on making the whole thing as interactive as can be and please subscribe and review if you can.  These first few after launch are critical and I am in dire need of your help to get this out there and hopefully make a few people laugh.

Thanks for being awesome!

Yarran, Wizard.

Yarran thought being a powerful wizard living in the heart of the big city would be a lot more amusing than the reality of the situation.  His days revolved around subway rides, finding the nearest outlet to plug his phone charger into and finding at least one restaurant line that did not have a hundred people queued up to order.  There was no pointy hat, cloak wearing battle against the sinister forces of evil that plagued his town.

None of the fun stuff the movies had promised.

There was one big perk that ensured his life was slightly better than that of an average mortal.  With a wave of his wand he could control and direct any number of pigeons.  His visits to parks were wildly amusing.