Slight Changes to Ruin Things

There are countless untold stories, myriad ways to create and add to the human experience.  The wonder of existence knows no bounds and we should all probably spend our time learning and growing and helping.

That’s not happening here tonight.

Here now: Products that fail if their titles are expanded even slightly.

Way Too Sticky Notes

T.B.V.

Toilet Papier-Mache

Kitchen Sinkhole

Netflixed and Chilled Ham

Wine Hat Rack

Cell phone tower defense

Laundry Damper

Car Billiards Lane

Numb Lock

 

Sunday nights are getting weirder and weirder.  What even is chilled ham?

Thanks for reading!

 

Advertisements

The Garden Tour (In 100 Words)

“The hotel has taken an …unique approach to the gardens this year,” Elizabeth commented, trying to avoid being rude.

“This is really upsetting,” Carl did not consider the feelings of the nearby garden staff.

The two, enjoying a weekend away at a hotel recommended by friends and internet alike, stared at tall trees depicting scenes of ruined buildings, Orwellian propaganda, mushroom clouds, mutated humanoid creatures and other imagery of collapsed or dying societies.

“Perhaps I can explain,” said a smooth voice from behind the couple.  “We try to match pop-culture with our designs.  To keep hip, these here are distopiaries.”

 

Thanks for reading!
I’m sure the jokes been done before, but by golly, distopiary is a fun word.

Answers from the Adviceroy

Dear Adviceroy,

I am currently trying to juggle school, work, a young family and social obligations.  Any tips on how to manage multiple and often competing responsibilities as a full-fledged, real adult?

Thanks in advance,
Adulting in Akron

Dear Adulting in Akron,

Being a butterfly, my only obligations are to pollinate, procreate, and pro-party-iate! That said, know this; responsibility is no laughing matter.  If you are unable to make an event, tell the host in advance.  If you have to bail on a friend, tell them why.  Never be afraid to ask for help.  Other people are very good at many things and often want to share their expertise.

Should that fail, take on more responsibility by leading a double life. Rename yourself Darrel “Yo-Yo” Masters and get a cool hat. Hop on to trains at random.  In whatever town you arrive, sell vacuum cleaners that will most certainly never show up. Then summon yourself an Uber (or go my route and have wings) and make your way home.

Your ethical upper-hand in business dealings will be gone, but you’ll feel great knowing that you accomplished a mini-grift before bedtime.

Trust me, a butterfly, adulting is mostly about taking those little wins when you can get them.

Best of luck, Akron. Best of luck.

Sincerely,

The Adviceroy.

 

Do you have a question for the Adviceroy? Fill out the form below to submit your question and advice will be yours in 3 to 4 units of time.

Movie Trailers

“Hey, this is Officer Barn and Detective Angle, we are very sorry to say this, but we actually cannot make it to the party tonight. So sorry. Stuff came up.  We’ll catch up soon.”

This fall, see Car 55, buddy cop-out movie.

—————————————

In the war between angel and demon, the tides are about to turn.  The demons have a new weapon here to finish the job. This fall come see…

“Shark!” the Herald Angel Sings

—————————————–

A time travel tale as tall as they come.  A Centurion finds his way to the modern highways of America and has a bit of a walkabout.  Along they way, he learns a little of life, a little of love and lot about humanity.  Coming to CBS this fall, Roamin’

—————————————–

The waters of Neverland are a distant memory.  No longer is he the right hand man of a man without one of his own.  This fall, your favorite first mate is back in the real world and has to get caught up quick.  This fall, your favorite new series; It’s News to Smee!

 

——————————————–

Most people have a favorite place.  A quiet park. A seat on a train. A roller coaster.  For Danny Wilco, his favorite spot was the most encouraging place he knew; the line at his local coffee shop.  This fall, feel the power of the Right On! Queue.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Proposals by Profession

How different professions propose marriage. I suppose:

Plumber: Take the plunge with me!

Baker: Let’s get cookin’

Drug dealer: Let’s get cookin’

Doctor: I’m giving you a prescription… for life long partnership.

Barber – Let’s cut to the chase and marry!

Dog trainer: *offers a treat* Marry me?

Salesperson: You’re the deal of a lifetime!

Photographer: In a flash, our lives will change. Something about an aperture.

Technical writer: Step 1: View ring.  Step 2: Respond to question Step 3: If answer to question is Yes, proceed to life time together. If no, accept end user agreement and review subscription requirements.

Brewmaster: We should hop to it.

Prison guard: We’ll cell-ebrate a lifetime together.

Spy: — … — . —….. – . -. — … —-

Dance instructor: Let’s get cookin’ (said with jazz hands flailing about)

 

Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

Free books

$1 Books

Mugs

Coffee donations welcome

Facebook

 

 

 

 

Principal Clark and the Science Fair

 

Principal Clark hated the science fair.  Not for lack of caring about the science or expanding the minds of youngsters, but for the simple fact that baking soda and vinegar volcanoes smelled terrible.  It was a stench that haunted his dreams.  As he entered the school’s auditorium to being judging this year’s event, he took a brief pause to ready for next hour and a half.

The doors swung open and he reviewed the scene.  Volcanoes everywhere.

Crap he thought.

Then his eye captured an image of hope.  In the far corner of the open space, set up on a table without a tablecloth (and surely the control freak Mr. Osborne was freaking out about that detail) was an honest to goodness experiment.  No display of a wildly popular chemical reaction, but a tri-fold display board dedicated to circles and wheels.  A student was learning.

Principal Clark raced to the exhibit and soaked in every word of the presentation.

“Tell me everything,” Principal Clark demanded of the student at the table.

“Certainly, Principal Clark.  When I went to decide on this year’s research project I wanted to see just how innovative the first big piece of technology really was.  Second, I wanted to *circle* back to something I remember you saying long ago,” the student explained.

Clark was intrigued.  “What did I say long ago?”

“Well, I know you’re *tired*, but you’re *wheeley* going to like this,” the student said, snickering.

Principal Clark knew what was happening.  “I said I could always be won over by a solid pun. Dang it. The one time you kids listen to me.  Congratulations, you’ve won the science fair.”

 

 

Thanks for reading! I’m very much off to sleep now.

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

Free books

$1 Books

Mugs

Perhaps buy me a coffee?

Alie’s Big Discovery

Alie sat at a long table covered in a blue table cloth.  Beside her were scientists and professors all excited about her discovery.  In front of her, a bank of microphones from local and national news stations waited to catch her every word.  Lights were bright, the press pool was quiet.  It was Alie’s time to talk.

“Good afternoon,” the paleontologist started, “I’m Alie and I found a dinosaur.”

“Alie, what do you plan on calling the creature?” A reporter blurted out.

“I’m naming it after my car,” Alie replied.  “The creature, aged 130 millions years, will be called a Fordsaurus.”

 

Thanks for reading!