Project Ends Project Begins

This week, a career-making project comes ended.  Lots of hours, lots of planning, lots of not seeing my kids.  I’m pretty stoked to see it all end, but now I’m left to wonder what big project comes next.  I could finish a book, but that alone doesn’t make for a funny blog post written while overdosing on dayquil and 4 hours of sleep.  Not funny at all.

Here are some projects I’m tossing around to fill the void:

Streamline hamster cages. All of them.

Paint an art-deco homage to “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” but the people are replaced with hamsters.

Sound design overhaul of the entire 6th season of (New) Doctor Who to replace the sounds of the Silence with squeaky hamster cage wheels.

A critical analysis of the early work of Walt Whitman focusing on the interactions of man and nature and cybernetic implants to aid in the control of Morlocks. Or something.  This one is still on a “project planning” stage.

Learn to curse in a new language.

Check it. Reboot Ratatouille but…with hamsters.

Market a new line of lab coats.  They look like typical lab coats, but the pocket on the front has a circle game insignia.  Science will never be the same.

Tire swings for hamsters.

 

In all likelihood, I’ll just sleep.  Super tired.

Have a good weekend!

 

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Slight Changes to Ruin Things

There are countless untold stories, myriad ways to create and add to the human experience.  The wonder of existence knows no bounds and we should all probably spend our time learning and growing and helping.

That’s not happening here tonight.

Here now: Products that fail if their titles are expanded even slightly.

Way Too Sticky Notes

T.B.V.

Toilet Papier-Mache

Kitchen Sinkhole

Netflixed and Chilled Ham

Wine Hat Rack

Cell phone tower defense

Laundry Damper

Car Billiards Lane

Numb Lock

 

Sunday nights are getting weirder and weirder.  What even is chilled ham?

Thanks for reading!

 

Quotes from Famous Inanimate Objects

Quotes from famous inanimate objects:

“Ah! It’s dark in here!” – Mr. Rogers’ Sweater

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!” The baseballs of Major League.

“Would you change the station already?” – The t.v. from Poltergeist

“I can’t swim!” The Titanic necklace.

“Push me. Come on. Do it.” – Red Buttons everywhere.

“Ugh. That’s going to stain.” – Labcoats from ER.

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Arrows, midflight, from any interpretation of Robin Hood

“Turn back kids! You don’t want to see this! Turn back!” – The railroad tracks from Stand By Me

“How’d I get here?” – Unexplained lighting movie scenes that logically should be pitch black.

“Retirement sucks.” – VHS tapes.

“I’m meant to be eaten, you psycho.” – Mashed Potatoes, Close Encounters of the Third Kind

“Weeeeeeeeeeee!” The lighter from Blues Brothers.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Currently Thinking – At the Club

Here now, the inner thoughts of people too old to be at a club, but are currently at a club.

 

Name: Eve Newcomb,
Biggest concern: has to be to work at 7:00 am tomorrow.
Currently thinking: I’m really more of a Blues Traveler person.

Name: Hunter Grace
Occupation: long haul trucker by day, DJ by night (but not tonight.)
Currently thinking: If I put a hospital in the center of town my SimCity will be perfect!

Name: Chad Chadson
Most hates when people assume he is: A Voting machine technician.
Currently Thinking: I can say my oven is on and leave, but everyone knows I don’t know how to use an oven.

Name: Eriwn Aessopoplous
Fear Never Told to Even The Closest Confidant: Eating a spider a loving the experience
Currently thinking: I have so many over due library books.

Name: Anando Chopra
Currently wearing: A pair of green chucks, a fedora and shirt pattern that does not match his pants.
Currently thinking: I’m totally going to hit that salad place for lunch tomorrow.

Name: Michael Bolton
Major in College: History focused on Chicago in the 1920s.
Minor in College: Accounting, focused on how to commit fraud.
Currently thinking: I can’t be angry about this name. People will think I’m just copying Office Space

Name: Purple Whipple
Real name?: Yep. On their driver’s license and everything.
Currently thinking: Hey. Wait a minute. I’m old enough to buy my own Crossfire game this holiday season!

Name: Gabrie Jons
Career path: Today, Middle Management. Tomorrow? The entire scope of western operations.
Currently thinking: If this thing ends in a bubble dance I’m going to set the building on fire.

Name: Odele Okampa
Favorite Movie: You’ve never heard of it.
Currently thinking: I bet all of these office drones sit around and make in-jokes about movies all day. Lame.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

First and Last Party

It all started with a shout. “We’re throwing a party!” One housemate had decided the group’s future.

The words were well received and a party was planned, scheduled and promoted.  College had promised the best four years of their lives, and these housemates were going to make that happen.

The party proved to be the first and last at the house on Kemper street.  The reasons for this were cataloged in a journal known in the house as “The Book of Questions.” These were not questions they intended to answer, but phrases that made the residents of the little commune ask questions.  Phrases overheard the night of the party, as revelers were allowing themselves to become their true selves, as inhibition died and realness took hold.

Phrases that made the good people of Kemper Street question everything.

Here are selections from The Book of Questions:

“You don’t even know who Bon Jovi is.”

“Yeah, but what does Vampire Weekend really mean?”

“I don’t recycle, I just cycle.  I’m ride or die to the core.”

“Call it bean juice.”

“Clothes Pin is my wrestling alter-ego.”

“I’m thinking of minoring in mining.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! Quantum Leap is just a fever dream of a dying man.”

“I bet the Kool Aid man would know.”

“Mozart would kick Godzilla’s butt.”

“My Insta is nothing but pictures of donkeys and I don’t know how that happened.  Well, I do, but I one weird weekend shouldn’t destroy the entire explore algorithm.”

“Placemats are elitist.”

“Why don’t we just put permafrost in the freezer for a while?”

“Veggie hot dogs saved my life. Killed my cat, but saved my life.”

“If I had a nickle for every time I had to defend juggling…I could at least buy a six pack.”

“Cheese dip or GTFO, Chad!”

“My initiation involved running over LEGOs and I kinda’ liked it.”

 

 

Thanks for reading! While you’re here, People on the Highway, the eBook is available free through Sunday. Just click here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS Lots of short stories both funny and not intentionally funny

Proposals by Profession

How different professions propose marriage. I suppose:

Plumber: Take the plunge with me!

Baker: Let’s get cookin’

Drug dealer: Let’s get cookin’

Doctor: I’m giving you a prescription… for life long partnership.

Barber – Let’s cut to the chase and marry!

Dog trainer: *offers a treat* Marry me?

Salesperson: You’re the deal of a lifetime!

Photographer: In a flash, our lives will change. Something about an aperture.

Technical writer: Step 1: View ring.  Step 2: Respond to question Step 3: If answer to question is Yes, proceed to life time together. If no, accept end user agreement and review subscription requirements.

Brewmaster: We should hop to it.

Prison guard: We’ll cell-ebrate a lifetime together.

Spy: — … — . —….. – . -. — … —-

Dance instructor: Let’s get cookin’ (said with jazz hands flailing about)

 

Thanks for reading!

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Passing the ‘We Are’ Test

Part of me has always wanted to front a punk band.  Sounds like bunches of fun.  I imagine a lot of writers want to be musicians. Musicians want to be poets and poets want to be professors.  Something like that.

My musical tastes were forged during a time when bands went completely overboard with their names.  I think that’s the part that most attracts to band-ing? Bands like Planes Mistaken for StarsThese Arms are Snakes, Sunny Day Real Estate, Texas is the Reason, And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, heck even Unprovoked Moose Attack was out there.

I’m well outside popular music’s reach these days, but from what I know, these sort of names don’t exist any more.  I know Fun.  21 pilots? That sounds like way too many people to pay for writer’s credit, but 21 it is.  I can’t even guess what a Major Lazer does.

Had I the opportunity to name a band? Oh golly, I couldn’t resist the allure of all the words that are great ways to follow up two fantastic words at every concert: We are…  We are The Beatles? Lame.  We are Devo? Okay.  We are Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Boom. goes. the. dynamite.  If you can’t follow the band introductory phrase ‘we are’ with something that will blow away the live audience’s minds why even try?

Here now, band names that pass the ‘we are’ test:

We are… Continue reading