First and Last Party

It all started with a shout. “We’re throwing a party!” One housemate had decided the group’s future.

The words were well received and a party was planned, scheduled and promoted.  College had promised the best four years of their lives, and these housemates were going to make that happen.

The party proved to be the first and last at the house on Kemper street.  The reasons for this were cataloged in a journal known in the house as “The Book of Questions.” These were not questions they intended to answer, but phrases that made the residents of the little commune ask questions.  Phrases overheard the night of the party, as revelers were allowing themselves to become their true selves, as inhibition died and realness took hold.

Phrases that made the good people of Kemper Street question everything.

Here are selections from The Book of Questions:

“You don’t even know who Bon Jovi is.”

“Yeah, but what does Vampire Weekend really mean?”

“I don’t recycle, I just cycle.  I’m ride or die to the core.”

“Call it bean juice.”

“Clothes Pin is my wrestling alter-ego.”

“I’m thinking of minoring in mining.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! Quantum Leap is just a fever dream of a dying man.”

“I bet the Kool Aid man would know.”

“Mozart would kick Godzilla’s butt.”

“My Insta is nothing but pictures of donkeys and I don’t know how that happened.  Well, I do, but I one weird weekend shouldn’t destroy the entire explore algorithm.”

“Placemats are elitist.”

“Why don’t we just put permafrost in the freezer for a while?”

“Veggie hot dogs saved my life. Killed my cat, but saved my life.”

“If I had a nickle for every time I had to defend juggling…I could at least buy a six pack.”

“Cheese dip or GTFO, Chad!”

“My initiation involved running over LEGOs and I kinda’ liked it.”

 

 

Thanks for reading! While you’re here, People on the Highway, the eBook is available free through Sunday. Just click here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS Lots of short stories both funny and not intentionally funny

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Proposals by Profession

How different professions propose marriage. I suppose:

Plumber: Take the plunge with me!

Baker: Let’s get cookin’

Drug dealer: Let’s get cookin’

Doctor: I’m giving you a prescription… for life long partnership.

Barber – Let’s cut to the chase and marry!

Dog trainer: *offers a treat* Marry me?

Salesperson: You’re the deal of a lifetime!

Photographer: In a flash, our lives will change. Something about an aperture.

Technical writer: Step 1: View ring.  Step 2: Respond to question Step 3: If answer to question is Yes, proceed to life time together. If no, accept end user agreement and review subscription requirements.

Brewmaster: We should hop to it.

Prison guard: We’ll cell-ebrate a lifetime together.

Spy: — … — . —….. – . -. — … —-

Dance instructor: Let’s get cookin’ (said with jazz hands flailing about)

 

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Passing the ‘We Are’ Test

Part of me has always wanted to front a punk band.  Sounds like bunches of fun.  I imagine a lot of writers want to be musicians. Musicians want to be poets and poets want to be professors.  Something like that.

My musical tastes were forged during a time when bands went completely overboard with their names.  I think that’s the part that most attracts to band-ing? Bands like Planes Mistaken for StarsThese Arms are Snakes, Sunny Day Real Estate, Texas is the Reason, And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, heck even Unprovoked Moose Attack was out there.

I’m well outside popular music’s reach these days, but from what I know, these sort of names don’t exist any more.  I know Fun.  21 pilots? That sounds like way too many people to pay for writer’s credit, but 21 it is.  I can’t even guess what a Major Lazer does.

Had I the opportunity to name a band? Oh golly, I couldn’t resist the allure of all the words that are great ways to follow up two fantastic words at every concert: We are…  We are The Beatles? Lame.  We are Devo? Okay.  We are Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Boom. goes. the. dynamite.  If you can’t follow the band introductory phrase ‘we are’ with something that will blow away the live audience’s minds why even try?

Here now, band names that pass the ‘we are’ test:

We are… Continue reading

It was a Rough Drive

I had to drive through the center of a major metropolitan area this afternoon.  The entire drive I clinched my teeth and white-knuckle gripped the steering wheel while trying to keep tabs on if 2nd or 3rd gear was the best option.

It was a rough drive.  I feared it would be my last.

To pass the time, I enjoyed creating the likely epitaphs of those around me.

Via Giphy

Writing is a dark hobby that none should pursue.

Here’s the result:

Ford Taurus Driver: Attempted to humidify and de-humidify the same room.  Broke physics.

Ford F150 Driver: Picked the wrong side in the egg white debate.

Ford Fiesta Driver: Withered away during an unending Wikipedia dive.

Driver of Whatever Honda’s Tiny Sedan Model Is: Tailed a private eye.  Inception occurred.

Hyundai Elantra Driver: Went to a library, things got hairy.  Dragged away by Sasquatch.

FedEx Driver: Didn’t ask for help. The ceiling fan took him.

Minicooper Driver: Literally taken away by an eagle.  Francine Worthy saw the whole thing and said it was totally wicked, but totally gnarly at the same time.  True story.

Honda Element Driver: Put the batteries in wrong. Broke physics.

Nissan Versa Driver: Went through life without strife.  Death was absolutely terrible though. Real icky stuff.

The guy on his bike on the highway for some dumb reason: Visited the Moon saying “be back soon!” He was a liar.

Bus Driver: Went While Watching Welch Whales Wail.

Dodge Ram: Eating breakfast, last tweet was #Hashbrowns.

 

 

 

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Useful Greeting Cards (For Bad Adulting)

When it comes to greeting cards, I’m pretty sure sympathy and birthday are leading types.  I’m not about to do market research, but if the Family Feud ever surveyed 100 people, put the top five responses on the board and had contestant guess the remaining three it would take a few rounds to fill the board.  To me, that means the market is wide open for more specialized occasions where one might not be able to come up with the right words.

Cards for occasions like… Continue reading

Band, Genre, Playlist and All We Need to Know

Here now, little known bands, the genre they call home, the Spotify playlist they are featured most heavily on, and a little background on the playlist creator.

Band: Clickbait Worm
Genre: EDM,
Featured in Playlist: The Sponge Cake Disaster
Playlist made by: Becca Hillman of Rochester after a terrible baking incident.

Band:Orange is the New Kid on the Block
Genre: Boy Band Covers
Featured in Playlist: I’M ON A BOAT
Playlist made by: Mark Rodriguez, a nostalgia junkie convinced he’s the only one that remembers most of his references.

Band:Turtle Dove Bar
Genre: Rock-Rap,
Featured on Playlist: Hits from My Childhood
Playlist made by: Ben Davenport, a 35 year old male ashamed of his past.

Band: Jose All Day
Genre: Garage Funk,
Featured on Playlist:Dave Matthews Band Revival
Playlist made by: Jeremy Woolworth of Topeka, but not the obvious one.  Jeremy built this play during a bar crawl and has no idea where this particular entry came from.

Band: Ice^3 Tres
Genre: Gypsy Punk
Featured on playlist:  Three Times the GoGoGo!
Playlist made by: Jody “Krang” Popovich.  Tennis player. Fan of sets.

Band: Loud! Loud! Loud!
Genre: Stadium Rock
Featured on playlist: Underwater Basket Weaving Ball
Playlist made by: A workout mix built by Todd Trodo. Love Cross Fit. Hates leg day.

Band: Lava My Life
Genre: Melodic Post Hard Core inspired by romance novels featuring Fabio on the cover.
Featured on playlist: Takes These Broken Swings and Earn Some Pie
Playlist made by: Orin Waysmith.  Puts ketchup on his macaroni and cheese.

Must Haves: Amusement Parks

The big amusement park here in ol’ Colorado is Elitch Gardens. Elitch’s for the hip folks who prefer to discuss things efficiently and everyone knows what you’re referencing anyway.  I digress.  I’ve never really cared for the amusement park experience personally.  Roller Coaster Tycoon was my jam long ago.  Just like saying “my jam” was the world’s jam long ago.

The ideal amusement park is a tricky topic.  There’s no right. There’s no wrong.  There’s only amusing. That ever popular incomprehensible concept that drives humanity to the arts, to science, to discovery, to betterment.  These parks have some awesome responsibility.

There’s also the possibility of pizza and sticky concrete all over the place.  These parks have some weird possibilities.

Possibilities like…

Continue reading