Project Ends Project Begins

This week, a career-making project comes ended.  Lots of hours, lots of planning, lots of not seeing my kids.  I’m pretty stoked to see it all end, but now I’m left to wonder what big project comes next.  I could finish a book, but that alone doesn’t make for a funny blog post written while overdosing on dayquil and 4 hours of sleep.  Not funny at all.

Here are some projects I’m tossing around to fill the void:

Streamline hamster cages. All of them.

Paint an art-deco homage to “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” but the people are replaced with hamsters.

Sound design overhaul of the entire 6th season of (New) Doctor Who to replace the sounds of the Silence with squeaky hamster cage wheels.

A critical analysis of the early work of Walt Whitman focusing on the interactions of man and nature and cybernetic implants to aid in the control of Morlocks. Or something.  This one is still on a “project planning” stage.

Learn to curse in a new language.

Check it. Reboot Ratatouille but…with hamsters.

Market a new line of lab coats.  They look like typical lab coats, but the pocket on the front has a circle game insignia.  Science will never be the same.

Tire swings for hamsters.

 

In all likelihood, I’ll just sleep.  Super tired.

Have a good weekend!

 

Advertisements

Halloween Weekend Adventures of the 21st Century

Halloween has been around for quite some time, but this year things are getting all future focused.  Magic and dread, the real themes of this cherished holiday are going to invade every aspect of modern life in the days before October comes to an end.

Spooky things such as…

This weekend, your favorite ride share service can be reached by picking up a corded telephone, staring at it and thinking of a rat surfing atop a sea of eels.

Partying down? Clubs will allow entrance to those able to take the wrappings of a mummy, feeding them to a goose and mumbling the words of Michael Jackson’s lines from the Bad music video.

All your passwords this weekend will feature a capital letter, a number and a symbol representing the sound of an elder god brought to tears by its enormous power.

For the “swiping” crowd, the function will now require you to raise your phone to the sky, shake it wildly and then consume the feather of a fallen raven between the hours of 1 and 3 am as the white glow of Moonlight spills over the streets of Albany.

All questions poised to Siri shall be chanted in rhythm and cadence matching that of Turn the Beat Around, by the beloved vocalist Gloria Estefan.  Not spooky enough for a holiday dedicated to the ghosts and ghouls that shall haunt your every step? Well, keep in mind Ms. Estefan’s rendition of the disco classic was released in 1994 and you are drawing ever closer to the end of your own years.

Holding a pillow case in one hand and a plastic fork from Ikea in the other, consider the plight of the Monarch butterfly as it traverses the North American continent.  Only then will your precious Hot Pocket heat all the way through.

Recharging your cellular phone or other LTE connected device can only be accomplished by taking a photograph of your indoor potted plants and burying a printed copy of that photograph below the floorboards that hold up your grandmother’s rocking chair.

 

It is going to be one crazy weekend.  Happy Halloween!

 

Thanks for reading.

First and Last Party

It all started with a shout. “We’re throwing a party!” One housemate had decided the group’s future.

The words were well received and a party was planned, scheduled and promoted.  College had promised the best four years of their lives, and these housemates were going to make that happen.

The party proved to be the first and last at the house on Kemper street.  The reasons for this were cataloged in a journal known in the house as “The Book of Questions.” These were not questions they intended to answer, but phrases that made the residents of the little commune ask questions.  Phrases overheard the night of the party, as revelers were allowing themselves to become their true selves, as inhibition died and realness took hold.

Phrases that made the good people of Kemper Street question everything.

Here are selections from The Book of Questions:

“You don’t even know who Bon Jovi is.”

“Yeah, but what does Vampire Weekend really mean?”

“I don’t recycle, I just cycle.  I’m ride or die to the core.”

“Call it bean juice.”

“Clothes Pin is my wrestling alter-ego.”

“I’m thinking of minoring in mining.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! Quantum Leap is just a fever dream of a dying man.”

“I bet the Kool Aid man would know.”

“Mozart would kick Godzilla’s butt.”

“My Insta is nothing but pictures of donkeys and I don’t know how that happened.  Well, I do, but I one weird weekend shouldn’t destroy the entire explore algorithm.”

“Placemats are elitist.”

“Why don’t we just put permafrost in the freezer for a while?”

“Veggie hot dogs saved my life. Killed my cat, but saved my life.”

“If I had a nickle for every time I had to defend juggling…I could at least buy a six pack.”

“Cheese dip or GTFO, Chad!”

“My initiation involved running over LEGOs and I kinda’ liked it.”

 

 

Thanks for reading! While you’re here, People on the Highway, the eBook is available free through Sunday. Just click here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VUE2OQS Lots of short stories both funny and not intentionally funny

Travel Metrics

Not feeling 100% has left me with time and opportunity to ponder existence by way of medicine induced…whatever the phrase is for ‘totally zoning out’, but without those exact words. I have realized something through these…golly, I need a real word for ‘skipping essential responsibilities and contemplating how someone realized the critical components of cheese production”. I realized I need to travel more.

Travel is good. The down side of travel though; most places suck.  I can be convinced of many things through the power of big data though.

Here are data points that will help me decide if a place is worth visiting.

Helpful metrics travel sites should incorporate:

Cicada Index (a good score is a low. No one likes those noisy devil bugs)

Pizza Shops Per Capita (Options and short lines for the win!)

OH DEAR GOD IS THERE ENOUGH WIFI?!?!?!?!?!  (note this question is not, “is there wifi?” If it is possible for the answer to be ‘no’ to this question, I’m not going there).

Would a Nicolas Cage movie be set in this town?

Would the town violently reject a Nicolas Cage movie being set in it? (This would automatically disqualify the town as a potential tourism destination)

Are there more essential oil vendors than doctors?

Count of Bars with Pun Names

Total Flash Mobs Year to Date

Has the town inspired a Stephen King short story?

 

I was going to add more to this list, but really a town can totally be judged on how it views Nic Cage and the number of cicadas present at any given year.  Could throw a few movie theater stats in there. If The Core was the local number one for more than one week I’m going to fly over that town.

Jeepers. I really want to go angry watch The Core now. In my own home.

 

Happy travels! Thanks for reading.

 

Passing the ‘We Are’ Test

Part of me has always wanted to front a punk band.  Sounds like bunches of fun.  I imagine a lot of writers want to be musicians. Musicians want to be poets and poets want to be professors.  Something like that.

My musical tastes were forged during a time when bands went completely overboard with their names.  I think that’s the part that most attracts to band-ing? Bands like Planes Mistaken for StarsThese Arms are Snakes, Sunny Day Real Estate, Texas is the Reason, And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, heck even Unprovoked Moose Attack was out there.

I’m well outside popular music’s reach these days, but from what I know, these sort of names don’t exist any more.  I know Fun.  21 pilots? That sounds like way too many people to pay for writer’s credit, but 21 it is.  I can’t even guess what a Major Lazer does.

Had I the opportunity to name a band? Oh golly, I couldn’t resist the allure of all the words that are great ways to follow up two fantastic words at every concert: We are…  We are The Beatles? Lame.  We are Devo? Okay.  We are Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Boom. goes. the. dynamite.  If you can’t follow the band introductory phrase ‘we are’ with something that will blow away the live audience’s minds why even try?

Here now, band names that pass the ‘we are’ test:

We are… Continue reading

It was a Rough Drive

I had to drive through the center of a major metropolitan area this afternoon.  The entire drive I clinched my teeth and white-knuckle gripped the steering wheel while trying to keep tabs on if 2nd or 3rd gear was the best option.

It was a rough drive.  I feared it would be my last.

To pass the time, I enjoyed creating the likely epitaphs of those around me.

Via Giphy

Writing is a dark hobby that none should pursue.

Here’s the result:

Ford Taurus Driver: Attempted to humidify and de-humidify the same room.  Broke physics.

Ford F150 Driver: Picked the wrong side in the egg white debate.

Ford Fiesta Driver: Withered away during an unending Wikipedia dive.

Driver of Whatever Honda’s Tiny Sedan Model Is: Tailed a private eye.  Inception occurred.

Hyundai Elantra Driver: Went to a library, things got hairy.  Dragged away by Sasquatch.

FedEx Driver: Didn’t ask for help. The ceiling fan took him.

Minicooper Driver: Literally taken away by an eagle.  Francine Worthy saw the whole thing and said it was totally wicked, but totally gnarly at the same time.  True story.

Honda Element Driver: Put the batteries in wrong. Broke physics.

Nissan Versa Driver: Went through life without strife.  Death was absolutely terrible though. Real icky stuff.

The guy on his bike on the highway for some dumb reason: Visited the Moon saying “be back soon!” He was a liar.

Bus Driver: Went While Watching Welch Whales Wail.

Dodge Ram: Eating breakfast, last tweet was #Hashbrowns.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Cursed by Dice podcast

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

Free books

$1 Books

Mugs

Perhaps buy me a coffee?

Must Haves: Jobs

People can live a pretty long time.  Hobbies, interests, preferences, tastes, there are decades to define and redefine ourselves.  There are also decades to do a bunch of jobs.  I read recently that four jobs by age 34 is a pretty common thing (across generations too! Millennials don’t job hop any more than your generation did, Older Supervisor with Misplaced Anger). I’ll be 34 before long and have had three jobs that fit the ‘career’ definition since college.  There’s still time for one more!

Here now, jobs that must pursued in the next few years: Continue reading