Proposals by Profession

How different professions propose marriage. I suppose:

Plumber: Take the plunge with me!

Baker: Let’s get cookin’

Drug dealer: Let’s get cookin’

Doctor: I’m giving you a prescription… for life long partnership.

Barber – Let’s cut to the chase and marry!

Dog trainer: *offers a treat* Marry me?

Salesperson: You’re the deal of a lifetime!

Photographer: In a flash, our lives will change. Something about an aperture.

Technical writer: Step 1: View ring.  Step 2: Respond to question Step 3: If answer to question is Yes, proceed to life time together. If no, accept end user agreement and review subscription requirements.

Brewmaster: We should hop to it.

Prison guard: We’ll cell-ebrate a lifetime together.

Spy: — … — . —….. – . -. — … —-

Dance instructor: Let’s get cookin’ (said with jazz hands flailing about)

 

Thanks for reading!

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Pleading With a Young Bird

Bird,
You’re here on my window sill with no intention of flying away, so I thought now would be a good time to talk about this big world you’ve recently joined.

One day you’re going to fly high up into the tree towering above this house.  There’s a cement slab to the north, it too is under the big tree you’ll spend most of your time in.  On that slab there will be boxes humans call ‘cars’.  Your parents bring shame upon themselves often by defecating on the seemingly clear part of these ‘cars’.

Be better than your parents, bird.

Mark and the Voice in the Cemetery

It was a rite of passage in their small town, and as with so many small town traditions, no one knew why it was required.  No one questioned it either.

“Just go in, say ‘Dead Derrick’ three times and touch a headstone,” said the older student from behind the driver’s wheel.  The others in the car giggled as Mark’s door was opened and he prodded into the moonlit graveyard.

“You wanna play on the team or not, man?” the student in the passenger seat called out.

“Fine,” said Mark.  He took hesitant steps closer and closer and then farther and farther into the burial ground.

Owls called out to the night.  Leaves scuttled over the dry grass in a light breeze.  Row after row of tombstones sent shivers down the freshman’s spine.  He had had enough of a walk and stopped next to a tombstone that looked older than the town itself. Continue reading

The Fatal Flaw of Candle Shopping

“Ashes, Ashes we all Fall Harvest,” Lilly read the label of the candle in a Ball jar, “bit dark, but it smells nice.”

“Hey, come check this one out, ‘In the cold November Rain‘,” Ivan called over, “it smells like rain and wet top hat!”

“This place has some neat options; Cumin feel the noise,  Why is Cucumber on a salad(?!), Newspaper will soon be in a museum,  Remember when you were 12 and and playing soccer and slipped and sliced your leg open playing on Fresh Cut Grass, For some reason people like the smell of Licorice,” Lilly listed off the candles already in the shopping basket.

“Does cucumber actually have a smell?” Ivan asked.

“It smells like green water,” Lilly answered.

“I have no frame of reference for the analogy,” Ivan added ‘Only you can prevent Wild Fire’ to the basket.

“I don’t have a better answer.  We’ll light this on fire, it’ll smell good,” Lilly said.

“It’ll smell like whatever they want us to think cucumber smells like,” Ivan muttered.

 

 

 

Boom! The candle shopping experience! Nailed it.
Thanks for reading.

(Cucumber is a lie)

The Zoo Trip

“Maybe we’re the ones in cages,” the man wearing socks and sandals muttered as he walked by a group of strangers.

“People are the most dangerous animals here,” he said as he passed another group.

His cargo shorts swayed with each step and his humorous graphic tee-shirt went largely unappreciated.

“He’s pointing at random areas again,” a teenager said into her hands as her mother patted her back.

“He thinks he’s being funny,” the mother explained.  She grimaced and waved at her husband.

“He’ll tire himself out soon,” she explained.  Zoo trips were more fun when the kids were younger.

 

 

I plan on doing this on every school field trip.  Every. Single. One.
Thanks for reading!

More Accurate Parenting Sayings

This time around let’s correct some motivational parenting sayings:

My alarm clock smiles and screams to wake me up and I often have to clean feces off it.

Training the mind without training the heart is no way to raise a child.  Unless you want to raise an economist.  Then go right ahead and skip teaching empathy.

Your child will follow your example…of sighing heavily whenever something falls to the ground. Continue reading

Movies Trailers (For Movies Based on Benjamin Franklin Quotes)

(Teens, around a camp fire, lightning bugs zipping about, crickets chirping, surrounded by tall trees with only the glow of the flame to light the woods)

“Did you guys hear about the accountant that went on a murder spree?”

“That’s just an urban legend, Kenny, stop trying to scare us”

“Wait, did you guys hear that?”

“That sounds like the keys on a calculator that uses those old school tape rolls!”

“Run for your lives!”

This April, nothing is certain but….Death and Taxes

 

 

(dirty alleyway between red brick towers, rain pouring in sheets, two silhouettes are seen under a flickering street lamp inexplicably placed in an alley way)

“I swear, I’ll take this to my grave!”

“Me too.  My lips are sealed!”

“Well, you’re both right.”

This summer, three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.  See Poor Richard.

 

 

(classroom setting, half erased chalk board at front of the room, hamster cage on a counter with an empty wheel just spinning)

She was talented, but not a show-off.  Her teacher was having none of it.

“You have to use your gifts, sweet one!”

“But they’ll all laugh at me!”

“Hide not your talents, for use they were made!”

This November, Sundial in the Shade

 

 

(pitch black room, panicked voices, shuffling footsteps)

“Curse you darkness! Curse you!”

This Halloween.  Light a Candle.