Vance’s New Window

“This new windshield will treat you well, mister. Treat. You. Well.” Sid said, putting the finishing touches on the installation.

“I appreciate it, Sid.  That crack was getting larger,” Vance said.

“Yeah, like your waistline,” said an unseen newcomer to the conversation.

“Excuse me?” Vance asked.

“Something tells me you don’t ‘play’ dumb, you just are.”

“Gosh, sir, I’m sorry about this,” Sid started, “this is a new glass type.”

“The windshield is talking?” Vance asked in total disbelief.

“No. Sid was talking. You interrupted.” The windshield said.

Sid sighed, “this is ill-tempered glass.  It won’t break. It only wise-cracks.”


Wilson Closes the Shop

Night had fallen on Agate Street and all that remained was one lonely shop keep in a tiny store.

A broom was pushed over a dirty stone floor and young Wilson Gregor began to close his store for the day. “Whistling a song, whistling a song,” the clerk sang, as he could not whistle to save his life.

Suddenly, bells hanging at the store’s entry rang.

“I need a health potion! Something magical! Help!” A stranger shouted, running inside.

Wilson shook his head, “For the last time, this is a Radioshack.  The town only looks like a video game village.”

An Experiment

“Command, this is Station. Command do you copy?”

The big day had finally arrived.  The orbiting space station was coming into position and the experiment could commence.

“Station, this is Command.  We read you. Experiment can commence in,” Command began a countdown.

“We would like to take a moment to reflect on what is about to happen.  This is citizen driven science at its finest.  To the fourth graders of Mr. Golding’s class, thank you..” The shuttle pilot said to the world below.

“One.” The countdown ended.

“The shiny 2010 penny has left the station. Look out below, Houston!” Station warned.


From the Archives: Readying for Dinner

The weekend away continues.  I hope all you wonderful readers are having a good time this fine Saturday.  Having written this ahead of time, I hope I’m having a fine Saturday too.  This is a really weird note to my future self.  Future self! Don’t lick that frog.  It is a trap.  It is always a trap.

Here’s one from a year ago! A year.  Time is cruel.

Readying for Dinner

“Good evening.  In less than an hour, we’ll have dinner with our extended family. Extended family, that phrase has a new meaning tonight,” their father said.

“Oh, dad, please no,” the children pleaded.

“We will sit down for a dinner of spaghetti and sauce and our petty differences will divide us.  But know that we will sit down quietly throughout the night!  We will eat without a fight!  We’re going to eat and run!  Tonight, we celebrate Grandma’s birthday!”

“Do you have to do an Independence Day speech for every gathering?” The children asked.

“You know it! Let’s get going!”

A Compass Unused

“Sure, sure, okay.  I understand your anger.  You’re upset with good reason.  The lake I promised is nowhere in sight.  You may have noticed the humidity is actually going down with each and every step,” Caleb told the rather cross group of hikers before him.

“I certainly did notice!” One particularly displeased hiker replied.

“Confession time for ol’ Caleb.  I have no idea what this compass means.  So we’re going to walk around until someone hears a wave crash or big ol’ bird go ‘ka-kaw’ and make a splash.  Solid plan?” Caleb asked.

The hikers seized the compass and map.

Quint’s Silent Steps

“My phone is still in there,”  Quint said, horrified.

Gwen stared, mimicking the new father’s face, “You. Did. Not.”

“I can save this.  In and out.” Quint was pretty sure of his ability to remain silent.

Gwen’s confidence in him was low, but that was attributable to lack of sleep and caffeine.  “You move like a ninja or you sleep on the couch. Understood?”

Quint nodded and opened the door.

~~~Literally 13 seconds later~~~

“That thing came out of nowhere!” Quint said, placing an ice pack on his knee.

“It’s the changing table, dear.” Gwen said.

The baby was wide awake.

Dreams of Trampolines

“Hey, neighbor! Cool new trampoline, huh? Kids are going to love that,” Gary said in the first interaction he had with his neighbor, hopefully named Paul because that’s the name Gary had set to his neighbor’s face and was way too late to change that now, in what must have been five months.

“Hey, Gary,” Paul replied, “this is for me.”  Gary noticed Paul’s glazed over eyes looking in the direction of the newly assembled trampoline.  “I plan on jumping to the moon. Getting far, far away from here.”

“Things, uh…things okay at work, Paul?” Gary asked.

“Not so much.”



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