Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler, 2:00 am, suddenly appearing beside my bed: Dad.

Me: Ah!

Toddler, trying to fall asleep on my the side of my bed: Daddy. I’m awake.

Me: No. No you are not. Let’s get you back to bed.

Toddler, face in the bed: Incoherent mumbling

Me, putting the toddler back in his bed: Sure thing, sleepy guy.  Good night.

Toddler, asleep: Good night.

Me, heading back to bed: I have to find a way to not scream every time he just shows up in the room.  That cannot be a healthy interaction.

Toddler: snoring



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Parenting Haiku

Suddenly silent
The children are not in sight
Trouble is afoot

“Eat your dinner please.”
Answered by face full of peas
“You have had enough.”

Cartoons on the screen.
Watched this five times yesterday.
Seven more today.

“F*&*() onion! Ow!”
“Daddy, what does that all mean?”
“Cookies! Don’t tell mom.”

Trying something new
Day begins at 6am.
Sleeping in today.

Diapers everywhere.
Potty training better stick
Diapers go away.


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Common Conversations with My Toddler

Me: Do you want butter and syrup on your pancakes?

Toddler: Yes.

Me: You got it. Sit at the table.

Toddler: No.

Me: We have to eat at the table.

Toddler: No. No butter and syrup.

Me: They are already on there though.

Toddler: Oh. Then yes.

Me: Cool. Thanks. Take your seat.

Toddler: No. I eat in the front room.

Me: Nope, we’re eating at the table.

Toddler. Oh. Then yes.

Me: Do you want to cut your pancakes or should I?

Toddler: No. I don’t want them cut.

Me: Cool. Here’s breakfast. Enjoy!

Toddler: You cut my pancakes.

More Accurate Parenting Sayings (Again)

We’re traveling this weekend.  Kids are a little older, little wiser, little more demanding and a little bigger than our last big road trip.  When this goes up we’ll be settling in for night one of our adventure.  I’m hoping it is going well.  If that is not the case, I have some pretty accurate takes on popular parenting phrases that will fit the weekend.


These are certainly more accurate for my house anyway.

Screaming Baby on Board

Stick Figure Families, but with more eye poking.

Pardon Our Mess, We’re Making Memories….and saving up for therapy.

Live, Laugh, Love, Leave Your Brother Alone!

“We just want the baby to possess spatial awareness that will prevent it from constantly running into sharp corners.”

Diaper bags full of Doritos and, like, one extra diaper maybe.

“It’s splash water all over the bathroom while mom and dad try desperately to clean any part of you at all before succumbing to the fact that we are so very much not in control of the situation!”

In this house we say please maybe 30% of the time.

Your mother and I have agreed to see the same situation, interpret things completely differently from one another, tell you children two very conflicting answers and then wonder what is happening.  We are so, so tired.

We try to limit screen time to just when we adults need a little break.

Bedtime has a strictly enforced +/- 30 minute window.

No whining! Unless, of course, you really want to make a point and have it ignored.  Then by all means, go ahead.


Oliver Calls it a Night

“Here’s the dinner plan, every body.  Watch some movies, order pizza. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Oliver said.  He had entered the house and, for reasons unknown, placed his keys and wallet in the refrigerator.

“Whoa, whoa, what?” Mary asked.  “You can’t just check out. We don’t have two kids, we have mini MMA fighters who eat hot dogs sideways. You’re quite needed.”

“Love, I apologize.  Know this though.  On my way home from work I drove by a field full of cattle.  Two cows began fighting, throwing their heads into one another.  I pulled the car over and told them to knock it off.  Loudly.  It was instinct.  It wasn’t until I drove away that I realized how absurd the moment was.  I’m so tired. You look like a giant talking frog right now.  I want to make dinner.  I want to participate.  I fear I will hallucinate all night long if I do not get some sleep.”

“I’ll order some pizza and put on one of those talking dog shows.  See you tomorrow,” Mary replied.  She opened the refrigerator to remove his wallet and keys.

“You’re amazing. Thank you. Good night.  Peace out. Ribbit.” Oliver said.

“Did you just ribbit at me?”

“I may have. I may have.”




Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Cursed by Dice podcast
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
Free books
$1 Books
Perhaps donate coffee?

Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler: *emits high pitched tone for half an hour*

Me: Sure, thing, big guy.

Toddler: Okay! I go get that!

Me: Wait, what are you going to get? What did I just let you have?  Wait come back! Tell me your stories which I am totally listening to at all times.



Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler: Dad, can we listen to the Thomas song?

Me, wincing: Like the train? You want the Thomas song?

Toddler: Yeah!

Me, not wanting to destroy the young human’s spirit, but also dreading the next fifteen minutes as the song is played on loop: Okay, buddy. I’ll tell the robot to play the song.

Toddler, already dancing: Thanks!

Me, muttering: If you weren’t so adorable.

Toddler, singing: Thomas and his friends!

Me, fifteen minutes later: We need to pick a new song, big guy! What do you want?

Toddler: uh..uh…uh…um.. Thomas!

Me: Fiddle sticks. One last time.

Toddler: Yeah! Thanks!



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On a totally not parenting note, my brother, my buddy, my bride and I started a podcast. Find out more right here: