Common Conversations with My Toddler

Me: Okay, let’s try something crazy. You get to brush your teeth all by yourself! Ready?

Toddler: Yeah.

Me: Front, back, top, bottom; remember? Okay. Go!

Toddler, brushing: This tastes bad.

Me: Well, it’ll go away. Keep brushing, please.

Toddler continues brushing.

Me: You don’t need to brush your lips.

Toddler: No, Dad. I need to make them shiny.

Me: The goal is for shiny teeth.

Toddler, now brushing his nose: I brush my nose too.

Me: You’re getting a new toothbrush.


Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler: Dad, I want pretzels from the bag from the grocery store.

Me: Sure, buddy.  Let’s go get them.

Toddler, taking my hand and walking me to the pretzel storage: Thanks. They’re in the pantry.

Me, opening the only bag of pretzels in the house and giving some to the toddler: here you go.

Toddler: No, that’s not the bag.

Me: It’s the only pretzels we have.

Toddler: I wanted the bag from the grocery store.

Me: This is that bag.  It really is.

Toddler: *crying*

Me: Buddy, these are the only pretzels we have.  It is this or nothing.

Toddler, ignoring me: *mumbling*

Me: *puts pretzels away and leaves the area*


Two minutes later


Toddler: Daddy, I found the pretzel bag from the store!

Me: Good job buddy.

Me, to myself: That’s the exact same bag from a minute ago.




The Robot Assistant’s Amazing Magic Trick

“I see you two have gone the AI in the house route.  Is that an Echo or a Home?” Arnold asked the party host, CJ.

The two dads were navigating the social intricacies of a seven year old’s birthday party.  Finger foods on paper plates were scattered through the living and dining room areas, children played as a group in the back yard and inside a bunch of parents with only school articulation area in common tried to play nice for an hour and a half.

CJ was more than happy to show off the Echo unit that decorated the front room table.  “You know, the voice recognition stuff is pretty spectacular.  We can call up unit coversions for cooking, play music and audio books, I’m building a choose-your-own-adventure app to keep the kids amused.  It works with lights and curtains and with other tool APIs, this thing is going to revolutionize life at home.”

“But the coolest part,” CJ continued, “is that it has a built in magic trick.”

“Magic and technology combined? That sounds amazing,” Arnold said after taking a sip of his beer.

“Oh yeah. Check this out,” CJ cleared his throat.  “Alexa play s-”

“Dad!” CJ’s son shouted, “where’s my sock?”

“Check your room big guy.” CJ answered.  “Let’s do that trick one more time,” CJ laughed, “Alexa, play Ro-”

“DAD!” CJ’s daughter shouted, “Brother stole my sock!”

“Bud, give your sister her socks,” CJ commanded.

“Did I miss the trick?” Arnold asked.

“Once more,” CJ said. “Alexa, play Ro-”

“DAD!” His children shouted in unison.

“Guys, just find your own socks. You have whole drawers full of them.” CJ said, knowing exactly what the issue was.

“Fine!” The children yelled back.

Arnold laughed, “that is magic!”

“I have not been able to say one single command to this robot.  The kids just know, they know, when I am trying to say something.  I can’t explain it,” CJ laughed too.

“Think future models will tune out the voices of children?” Arnold pondered.

“The kids will find a way, man. They always do,” CJ offered.



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Common Conversations with My Toddler

Toddler, 2:00 am, suddenly appearing beside my bed: Dad.

Me: Ah!

Toddler, trying to fall asleep on my the side of my bed: Daddy. I’m awake.

Me: No. No you are not. Let’s get you back to bed.

Toddler, face in the bed: Incoherent mumbling

Me, putting the toddler back in his bed: Sure thing, sleepy guy.  Good night.

Toddler, asleep: Good night.

Me, heading back to bed: I have to find a way to not scream every time he just shows up in the room.  That cannot be a healthy interaction.

Toddler: snoring



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Parenting Haiku

Suddenly silent
The children are not in sight
Trouble is afoot

“Eat your dinner please.”
Answered by face full of peas
“You have had enough.”

Cartoons on the screen.
Watched this five times yesterday.
Seven more today.

“F*&*() onion! Ow!”
“Daddy, what does that all mean?”
“Cookies! Don’t tell mom.”

Trying something new
Day begins at 6am.
Sleeping in today.

Diapers everywhere.
Potty training better stick
Diapers go away.


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Common Conversations with My Toddler

Me: Do you want butter and syrup on your pancakes?

Toddler: Yes.

Me: You got it. Sit at the table.

Toddler: No.

Me: We have to eat at the table.

Toddler: No. No butter and syrup.

Me: They are already on there though.

Toddler: Oh. Then yes.

Me: Cool. Thanks. Take your seat.

Toddler: No. I eat in the front room.

Me: Nope, we’re eating at the table.

Toddler. Oh. Then yes.

Me: Do you want to cut your pancakes or should I?

Toddler: No. I don’t want them cut.

Me: Cool. Here’s breakfast. Enjoy!

Toddler: You cut my pancakes.

More Accurate Parenting Sayings (Again)

We’re traveling this weekend.  Kids are a little older, little wiser, little more demanding and a little bigger than our last big road trip.  When this goes up we’ll be settling in for night one of our adventure.  I’m hoping it is going well.  If that is not the case, I have some pretty accurate takes on popular parenting phrases that will fit the weekend.


These are certainly more accurate for my house anyway.

Screaming Baby on Board

Stick Figure Families, but with more eye poking.

Pardon Our Mess, We’re Making Memories….and saving up for therapy.

Live, Laugh, Love, Leave Your Brother Alone!

“We just want the baby to possess spatial awareness that will prevent it from constantly running into sharp corners.”

Diaper bags full of Doritos and, like, one extra diaper maybe.

“It’s splash water all over the bathroom while mom and dad try desperately to clean any part of you at all before succumbing to the fact that we are so very much not in control of the situation!”

In this house we say please maybe 30% of the time.

Your mother and I have agreed to see the same situation, interpret things completely differently from one another, tell you children two very conflicting answers and then wonder what is happening.  We are so, so tired.

We try to limit screen time to just when we adults need a little break.

Bedtime has a strictly enforced +/- 30 minute window.

No whining! Unless, of course, you really want to make a point and have it ignored.  Then by all means, go ahead.