Deck and Amy and the Long Weekend

“You know how I have a pretty tough time saying no when people request things from me?” Amy said.

Deck stopped sipping his coffee, put his paperback on the table beside his chair and looked at Amy wondering exactly what she had done.

“Good, you remember,” Amy said.  She moved to the couch to sit next to Deck.

“Well,” she continued, “we’re going to be house sitting for Mark and Cayla from work this weekend.  They’re going to Baton Rouge and think their dogs will have a tough time at a doggy daycare for three days.”

“That sounds awful,” Deck said.

“It does.  We need to think up ways to make it suck less,” Amy said.

“We could not do it,” Deck suggested.

“Too late for that,” Amy countered, “next?”

“We could pay someone else to take care of it,” Deck was already pulling out his credit card.

“What if we put it on AirBnB? We make bank and someone else is there!” Amy said, giddily clapping.

“We turn it into a haunted house outside of Halloween season. Hipsters will love it,” Deck rambled.

“We paint that snake symbol from Harry Potter on the ceiling and don’t say a word unless prompted,” Amy said.

“We take up the carpet, draw every symbol from Supernatural underneath it and put it back,” Deck said.

“Behind every framed photo or piece of art, we write a seven letter Scrabble word,” Amy rattled off.

Both lost themselves to laughter plotting and pondering how to make a house sitting weekend be less awful. The suggestions flew for another five minutes growing more and more outrageous with every word.  Finally, Amy had had enough.

“We’re going to sit in their house and order pizzas all weekend, right?” Amy asked.

“Oh, that’s a given. Could you imagine actually not doing this to the best of our ability?” Deck said, panic in his voice.

“We’d have to move,” Amy said.




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Wallace’s Cabin


Wallace entered the worn looking cottage and fell in love.  It smelled funny, the walls were breaking, there was no hope indoor plumbing existed, but this was the place.  He tried not to seem to eager.  Eagerness drove up the rent.

“This would make an excellent weekend cottage or even a seasonal writer’s cabin,” the realtor sold the place.  “But there’s one catch.”

“A catch?” Wallace asked.

“January through May this home is claimed by a flock of geese with no respect for humans.  None.  They’ll cut you.”

“June to December is good though?” Wallace asked.

“With the exception of the third week is August, yes.”

“What happens the third week of August?” Wallace wondered, unable to stop the question he did not mean to ask.

“Oh that…that you will have to see for yourself.” the realtor said, laughing.

“That’s ominous enough for me.  I’ll take it!”



Deck and Amy and the Run-In

Dinner was taking place at the one restaurant in town that did not rely on loud 90s alt-rock to create an atmosphere.  As sad as Deck was to not eat a hamburger to the charming tones of Matchbox 20, he was more than pleased to actually hear what Amy was trying to tell him.

“I still can’t believe Carmichael tried to pull that crap at work,” Amy said before taking a bite of pilaf.

“I think you should probably key his car,” Deck said.

“I can’t key his ca- Wait! Oh crap,” Amy finished her bite and stared over Deck’s shoulder.  “The couple that just walked in. I used to work with him.”

Deck looked over his shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of the entry way where he presumed the subject of Amy’s statement stood.

“Don’t look, you big dummy,” Amy instructed. “What do I do? We worked in the same general area for three years. I haven’t even kept in Facebook contact though. Do I wave? Do the fake ‘Oh my god! Jerry?!” greeting on our way out?”

Deck started to offer advice. “You could-” he didn’t get very far.

“This is weird. I’m pretty sure he’s the guy who kept stealing pens too.  Should I bring that up?” Amy wondered.

“Probably good to avoid accusations of petty crime at a fish restaurant,” Deck said as he devoured a crab stuffed mushroom.

“No. Nope, you know what, we’re leaving. I’ll get boxes, we’ll go home and watch Princess Bride and never speak of this moment again,” Amy plotted.

“I know you’re freaking out right now and the newness of this type of social interaction is making you nervous, but that plan sounds awesome so I’m going to go along with it,” Deck said.

The waiter was flagged down and take-away boxes were filled.  A quick drive and a few minutes later, an ROUS was pouncing a pirate and Deck and Amy finished their meals in their pajamas on a couch.

“This was the right call,” Deck said.

Amy grimaced.  A fork in one hand, her phone in the other, she screamed a little as she read her screen.  “Another former coworker just commented on a post from Jerry, from the restaurant earlier,” Amy started.

“I do remember Jerry, yes,” Deck said.

“Jerry posted ‘Just saw an old coworker. Decided to hide instead of talk to her. Forgot her name. Think she recognized me too. #Awkward’ How could he forget my name? Jerry’s not a nice person. I’m going to comment.” Amy said.

“Now would be a good time to bring up the pen thing,” Deck said.

“Oh! That’ll cut deep too.  Nice one, sweetie,” Amy started typing.




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Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

Free books

$1 Books

Mugs and Stickers and other tangible things

Facebook for videos, links and shenanigans

100 Word..Videos???

Thanks to one of my favorite bloggers, Chape, Lumen5 has been my new obsession.  Quick video creations pulled from already existing text? Whaaaatt?

That’s awesome sauce right there.

I’m done with questionably real words now, I promise.  Here’s the plan: I’m going to turn a bunch of 100 word “stories” (in quotes because they are nothing more than long form dad jokes) into what I hope is the weirdest thing to show up on your Facebook feed.  If you have weirder stuff, that’s cool, I just don’t want to hear about it. That would destroy me.  It has been a week.

Videos will be posted to my ol’ Facebook page:   Give it a ‘like’ for all the latest slide-shows with words and music to hit your feed.

The first one is all about listening to your friends and alliteration.



Burger Time Again

I do not feel well.

I want this phrase to mean I am emotionless shell of a human just going through the motions, because that would be a hilarious mis-use of such simple words.  No, the phrase holds to physical ailment this evening.  It sucks.

Instead of fumbling through a pun about tables, as I had initially planned for the evening, I’m throwing things back to a post from last year titled “Burgers”.  I don’t remember writing it.  Perhaps I had a cold then too? That would the crrrraaaazzziest coincidence.

Anyway. Here’s the story. Be well.

Burgers: Continue reading

The Typical Chats of Jonas Hawkins’ Life

“Gang.  I won’t sugar coat this.  We need a new flavor of delicious frozen yogurt or we will have to shut our doors.” Hart said, depressed.

“I have three words to save the company.  Lobster. Lan. Party.” Jonas offered.

“You may leave.” Hart did not miss a beat and pointed to the door.

“It was an honor working here.” Jonas had been on the job three days.

“Oh, wow. This is embarrassing.” Jonas said.

“How does this even happen?” The farmer asked.

“I tried to ride one.” Jonas said, pulling himself free of the mud in the pig pen.

“You may leave.” The farmer demanded.

“It was an honor being your guest.”

Jonas mumbled something.

“All you have to do is open a little wider,” the dentist prompted.

“Sorry about that.” Jonas said, no longer biting the poor dentist.

“We’re done. You may leave.”

“It was an honor having my teeth cleaned by you,” Jonas said. He hoped both of their bleeding would stop soon.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Jonas said.

“You picked the time and place and say that literally every single date night.” Brenda, Jonas’ wife of 15 years said.

“That joke’s the best part of date night!” Jonas defended himself.

“That’s jokes done. It can leave.”

“It was an honor saying that joke for two decades.”


Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:
Cursed by Dice podcast
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
Free books
$1 Books
Perhaps buy me a coffee?

Useful Greeting Cards (For Bad Adulting)

When it comes to greeting cards, I’m pretty sure sympathy and birthday are leading types.  I’m not about to do market research, but if the Family Feud ever surveyed 100 people, put the top five responses on the board and had contestant guess the remaining three it would take a few rounds to fill the board.  To me, that means the market is wide open for more specialized occasions where one might not be able to come up with the right words.

Cards for occasions like… Continue reading