Deck and Amy and the Run-In

Dinner was taking place at the one restaurant in town that did not rely on loud 90s alt-rock to create an atmosphere.  As sad as Deck was to not eat a hamburger to the charming tones of Matchbox 20, he was more than pleased to actually hear what Amy was trying to tell him.

“I still can’t believe Carmichael tried to pull that crap at work,” Amy said before taking a bite of pilaf.

“I think you should probably key his car,” Deck said.

“I can’t key his ca- Wait! Oh crap,” Amy finished her bite and stared over Deck’s shoulder.  “The couple that just walked in. I used to work with him.”

Deck looked over his shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of the entry way where he presumed the subject of Amy’s statement stood.

“Don’t look, you big dummy,” Amy instructed. “What do I do? We worked in the same general area for three years. I haven’t even kept in Facebook contact though. Do I wave? Do the fake ‘Oh my god! Jerry?!” greeting on our way out?”

Deck started to offer advice. “You could-” he didn’t get very far.

“This is weird. I’m pretty sure he’s the guy who kept stealing pens too.  Should I bring that up?” Amy wondered.

“Probably good to avoid accusations of petty crime at a fish restaurant,” Deck said as he devoured a crab stuffed mushroom.

“No. Nope, you know what, we’re leaving. I’ll get boxes, we’ll go home and watch Princess Bride and never speak of this moment again,” Amy plotted.

“I know you’re freaking out right now and the newness of this type of social interaction is making you nervous, but that plan sounds awesome so I’m going to go along with it,” Deck said.

The waiter was flagged down and take-away boxes were filled.  A quick drive and a few minutes later, an ROUS was pouncing a pirate and Deck and Amy finished their meals in their pajamas on a couch.

“This was the right call,” Deck said.

Amy grimaced.  A fork in one hand, her phone in the other, she screamed a little as she read her screen.  “Another former coworker just commented on a post from Jerry, from the restaurant earlier,” Amy started.

“I do remember Jerry, yes,” Deck said.

“Jerry posted ‘Just saw an old coworker. Decided to hide instead of talk to her. Forgot her name. Think she recognized me too. #Awkward’ How could he forget my name? Jerry’s not a nice person. I’m going to comment.” Amy said.

“Now would be a good time to bring up the pen thing,” Deck said.

“Oh! That’ll cut deep too.  Nice one, sweetie,” Amy started typing.




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Some entertainment options you may enjoy:

Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)

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100 Word..Videos???

Thanks to one of my favorite bloggers, Chape, Lumen5 has been my new obsession.  Quick video creations pulled from already existing text? Whaaaatt?

That’s awesome sauce right there.

I’m done with questionably real words now, I promise.  Here’s the plan: I’m going to turn a bunch of 100 word “stories” (in quotes because they are nothing more than long form dad jokes) into what I hope is the weirdest thing to show up on your Facebook feed.  If you have weirder stuff, that’s cool, I just don’t want to hear about it. That would destroy me.  It has been a week.

Videos will be posted to my ol’ Facebook page:   Give it a ‘like’ for all the latest slide-shows with words and music to hit your feed.

The first one is all about listening to your friends and alliteration.



Burger Time Again

I do not feel well.

I want this phrase to mean I am emotionless shell of a human just going through the motions, because that would be a hilarious mis-use of such simple words.  No, the phrase holds to physical ailment this evening.  It sucks.

Instead of fumbling through a pun about tables, as I had initially planned for the evening, I’m throwing things back to a post from last year titled “Burgers”.  I don’t remember writing it.  Perhaps I had a cold then too? That would the crrrraaaazzziest coincidence.

Anyway. Here’s the story. Be well.

Burgers: Continue reading

The Typical Chats of Jonas Hawkins’ Life

“Gang.  I won’t sugar coat this.  We need a new flavor of delicious frozen yogurt or we will have to shut our doors.” Hart said, depressed.

“I have three words to save the company.  Lobster. Lan. Party.” Jonas offered.

“You may leave.” Hart did not miss a beat and pointed to the door.

“It was an honor working here.” Jonas had been on the job three days.

“Oh, wow. This is embarrassing.” Jonas said.

“How does this even happen?” The farmer asked.

“I tried to ride one.” Jonas said, pulling himself free of the mud in the pig pen.

“You may leave.” The farmer demanded.

“It was an honor being your guest.”

Jonas mumbled something.

“All you have to do is open a little wider,” the dentist prompted.

“Sorry about that.” Jonas said, no longer biting the poor dentist.

“We’re done. You may leave.”

“It was an honor having my teeth cleaned by you,” Jonas said. He hoped both of their bleeding would stop soon.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Jonas said.

“You picked the time and place and say that literally every single date night.” Brenda, Jonas’ wife of 15 years said.

“That joke’s the best part of date night!” Jonas defended himself.

“That’s jokes done. It can leave.”

“It was an honor saying that joke for two decades.”


Thanks for reading!

Some entertainment options you may enjoy:
Cursed by Dice podcast
Lunch Hour Characters (bad art, humorously captioned)
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Perhaps buy me a coffee?

Useful Greeting Cards (For Bad Adulting)

When it comes to greeting cards, I’m pretty sure sympathy and birthday are leading types.  I’m not about to do market research, but if the Family Feud ever surveyed 100 people, put the top five responses on the board and had contestant guess the remaining three it would take a few rounds to fill the board.  To me, that means the market is wide open for more specialized occasions where one might not be able to come up with the right words.

Cards for occasions like… Continue reading

Eddie is On to Bigger and Better Things

“Jeepers, Eddie, what are you doing?” Graham asked, running to catch up with his peculiarly fast friend Ed.

“I’m on to a new chapter, Graham. Exciting times ahead. This story is just getting started,” Graham Eddie.  His pace seemed to pick up and he incorporated a click-of-the-heels skip in his stride.

“You’re speaking in nothing but empty terms.  Like Vague-booking in real life, man.” Graham pointed out the generalities of Eddie’s statement.

“Nah, man, just living my best life right now,” Eddie countered.

“Why in the world does your best life involve a gas can, one of those long lighters and a stack of dirty rags?” Graham said, stopping both of them in their tracks.

“I told you. I’m on to a new chapter.  My old office building is on the other side of that river.  I have to burn the bridge,” Eddie explained.

“That’s…that’s…you don’t have to be so literal about it,” Graham said, confused.

“It’s much more fun to be literal with this phrase,” Eddie went to work.

Deck and Amy and the Block Party

“What the heck is a block party?” Deck asked.

“It’s a gathering of neighbors.  Food is shared, drinks and spilled.  It’s a good way to meet those around us.  It’s an incredible uncomfortable and forced way to meet the people around us, but it is a way,” Amy replied.

“So if we meet these people that live around us are they less likely to call city code enforcement about the dead tree in our front yard?” Deck asked.

“Probably not, but they’ll at least be able to say the dead tree is at Deck’s house.  We have to go for a little while.  I do have a plan to get in and out. And it plays on the theme.  The 1990s.” Amy said.  A devilish grin crept over her face and the two began to discuss their plan.

The day of the block party arrived and the couple prepared for their five minute appearance.

At the end of the block smoke rose from a collection of Weber grills.  The scent of ketchup and dill pickle relish rode the breeze.  Deck and Amy were both mildly annoyed by the pop music coming from someone’s small blue tooth speaker, but they let it slide.  They were more annoyed by their own outfits. Continue reading