Criteria – A Crucial Update for the Modern World

Sites like Yelp need more review criteria. Rating based on five stars for the overall experience? That’s not detailed enough. We live in the age of data, the age of analysis, the age of the algorithm. We need as much detail as possible in these reviews. I don’t want to see what Bobby from Pueblo says about the overall quality of a Denver sub-shop, I want to know the fine details.

We need an update to the criteria being publically reviewed.  New categories will help us, and the surveillance state/economy, understand what we really want.

Categories like…

Instagram-ability – Sure the food tastes good, but does it look good? Does it hit a complementary color triad? Does the chef know the Pantone code of the cod on the plate? They better or the review site will take them the eff down.

Noise level – Does the establishment being reviewed have a noise problem? Is the radio too loud? Do the cries of babies echo through the cavernous chambers of the dining area? Does the fireplace whisper to passers-by that the time for revolution has come? Rate the noise level and give some feedback for those looking to visit.

Menu UX- Does the menu have dumb names for things? Does the menu have good names for things? Is there a secret menu? Does ordering from this coffee shop require intrinsic knowledge of the establishment prior to first patronage? Are you feeling anxious that you’ll mess up the order, have to clarify everything and maybe abandon the order half way through? Can you order for a friend here with ease?  Rate the menu’s user experience as Yea or Nay on a scale of 1 to 5 with extra points for navigability and demerits for lack of flow and don’t forget to add a rundown and oh no(!!!) the Menu UX user experience has gone out of control!

Social friendly– Would you take a friend here? A date? A family member? An elderly family member? Children? Children after ice cream? Other people’s children who have just had ice cream? What are you doing with other people’s children who have just had ice cream?  The point of that moment is to give them ice cream and hand them back to their parents because that is funny stuff. Staying with them is a bad choice.

Quality of Wifi – no longer should a business be commended for offering free wifi, we need to judge how good that wifi is.  If I go somewhere and the wifi is like running a 28.8, the internet will hear about it ten to fifteen minutes after I hit the post button.

Parking In all seriousness, how easy is it to get in and out of this place?

Could you record a podcast here? – And more importantly, are people recording a podcast here? I don’t want to take part in that. I’m sure they’re fine people, but come on…I want to down my latte in peace.

Could you record an episode of Cops here? – And more importantly, is an episode of COPS being recorded here right now? I’m not singing a release form.

Theme – What’s happening, fam?  Hey. That place with the super fly burritos, does it have a totes lit theme? Is that theme dope or nope?………………………. Ha! That’s a trick.  Anyone who answers this question in a review is obviously from a hired marketing firm and is not reviewing to better enable consumers to make good decisions. This is how we thwart the robots, folks.

Zombie Preparedness – Is the establishment a good one to spend the first few days/weeks of a zombie apocalypse within? Check for fortified walls, rations, weapons, entryways, all that stuff.

Is Jon Bon Jovi a Part Owner? – Dude seems to be involved in a lot of investment opportunities of late. I won’t support that.

Is Sebastian Bach a Part Owner? – Dude was awesome in Gilmore Girls. I’ll support that.

Implementing these categories to review sites will dramatically improve quality of life in the modern world I am 13% sure of that.

Thanks for reading!


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