A Character Study While You Sit in Traffic

Dillon “Duckburg” McMaster is the guy in the nondescript Kia Optima next to you. Look left. Yeah, that one. There’s a “Titleist” hat on the back seat and a bedazzled phone case sitting in a pop-socket holder on the dashboard.  He’s quite a character. Let’s get to know him a bit.

Golfs three times a week. Has never once landed a drive on the green on the first shot, but that doesn’t stop him from trying. He’s banned from “Happy Hills Golf Club” for repeatedly trying the Happy Gilmore drive technique.

Once drove to Wisconsin’s largest shopping center for a hot dog Guy Fieri rated as “totally rad!”

Knows four places in the US that have radio quiet zone restrictions.  Can’t identify any of them on a map.

Bought this Kia Optima for his nephew, but liked the car so much he kept it. The nephew wound up with a Chrysler. It’s all good though because the nephew likes The Office and is modeling his life and career choices after the fictional numbskull Michael Scott. This is Netflix’s fault.

Calls technical support lines for advice on building bridges. Even he doesn’t know why. It stopped being funny years ago.

Holds his high school’s high jump record. Doesn’t talk about it anymore.

Reads tarot cards regularly and loves the practice. He still pronounces the word to rhyme with carrot though, which only annoys Charlene, his wife. Those two will be celebrating their 28th wedding anniversary this fall in a German castle thanks in no small part to pulling a “The Tower” card during a nice pancake breakfast at IHOP six months ago.

Once cut his thumb on a cheese grater and blacked out from the blood loss. There’s nothing funny about this particular event, but he brings the story up every time he’s at an Olive Garden and the salads come out. This happens without fail.

Five people have borrowed the Optima since it was purchased.  Three of them claim to have heard something “rattling around” and one is sure it is haunted. The final borrower was the only one who filled up the tank upon return.

Constantly rethinks situations of poor interactions from his past and comes up with better resolutions. One particularly jarring episode involved a purchase at an ice cream truck.  He’s burned that thing to the ground at least fifty thousand times. He would never actually commit arson. At least, that’s what he wants to believe.

Only recently stopped quoting Borat.

Homepage? Producthunt.com. Yeah. I know. I was surprised too. Dude likes to incorporate new tech into old routines.

Has a scar in the shape of the western border of Maine on his left arm.  Got it from a candy dispenser at age 33. He was wearing a three wolf moon t-shirt at the time and spent 50 cents on a bunch of Good and Plenty.  None of this he is proud of and instead tells people he fell off a small rock formation while painting a landscape of a little visited bay in Massachusetts as the sun set.

Signed a cousin’s arm cast with “R+L=J” just before the GoT Season 8 premiere. The cousin, oddly enough, fell out of a tower. For a moment Dillon thought there was a slight chance this had something to do with pulling a “The Tower” card during that tarot card reading, but no. “The Tower” most certainly meant “visit Germany and ignore the Page of Cups card right next to this which would dramatically change the course of events for your vacation.” The cousin is a bartender.

Loves the ending of the television hit ALF.

 

And now you know the driver to your left just a little bit better.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

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