It took nearly a year, but after trial delays it seems our unlucky driver is finally in court. See this for the original letter of apology to the fine patrons of Lucky’s Freeway Diner
To the jurists of Walker County v, well, me, I applaud your dedication to civic duty. Personally, I would have claimed to be a follower of the old gods and sworn that judgment can be passed by surviving a fire walk instead of agreeing to take up this, or any other case. That’s me though. And you’re better than me. Smarter. Which is why I know you’ll understand why I cannot possibly be held to account for the behavior I exhibited at Lucky’s Freeway Diner that terrible night.
The record shows that I was accosted by toads. These toads were favored by nature and had a natural protective barrier around their little reptilian bodies. That barrier resulted in well, you know the story laid out by both the prosecution and defense.
What I am standing here to explain is my courtroom behavior yesterday. Trending data would indicate otherwise, but know that this is not indeed who I am.
You see, yesterday morning I was stricken with a quite a spell of “the pre-trial jitters” and went to get a drink of water from that fine fountain in the hallway just outside. I imagine the jury has not seen this water fountain, but know that it makes water look and sound delicious. I don’t know how it does it, but one gander at that shiny metal box and one can’t help but think, “man, I need me some of that there water.”
So I took a drink. Then I heard the soft chuckling of a nearby security guard. “You missed the sign, bucko,” the guard said.
I did not know what he meant but soon found myself wearing half a roll of toilet paper as a scarf as the first witness provided testimony. You all were very gracious in not staring, but I knew something was weird when my lawyer requested a recess for ‘client rest’.
Exiting the courtroom proved to be a dangerous event, however. As soon as I saw that drinking fountain in the hallway, I took another sip. From there, well, things got even weirder.
A man in the hallway invited me to visit solve a mystery. Something, he informed me, was hiding in the city’s great courthouse and he and I were going to find it. I was in no position to say no, so I made my way to the roof.
There I found another temperate rain forest. I’m not too big on these woodland types, so I was scared, but we were on a quest. I found out later this was indeed nothing more than a garden, but at the time I was having a tough time with reality. The other adventurer and I were on our way to El Dorado and we were going to donate the discovery to this very city!
We found El Dorado but had to escape through the vents.
Juror number five, this is why I fell on top of you screaming “HVAC! HVAC!” I am so terribly sorry.
Juror number eight, I am told you were doused with a goop that smelled like bacon and jello. That came from a potion that needed to be concocted in order to open the golden gates of the city, and I had some in my shirt pocket to keep for a snack post-trial. I am so terribly sorry.
Madame Baliff, I must admit I forgot your name because I kept thinking of Night Court and referred to you as Bull in private conversation one too many times. Your patience with me as I tried to jump back into the vents to continue the journey was commendable.
I am told today that the drinking fountain has been fixed. The issues were not only here but in the court room directly next to the fountain and a mistrial was declared in that case due to “a very impatient moose and a hyper squirrel causing a ruckus.” Please know that I was not myself and the Batman like plot taken against this court could not have struck at a worse time for you to believe I was attacked by crazy toads.
I can bring a doctor’s note if necessary.
Thank you for your time.
The Unlucky Guy Who Needs to Read Warning Labels First.