Part of me has always wanted to front a punk band. Sounds like bunches of fun. I imagine a lot of writers want to be musicians. Musicians want to be poets and poets want to be professors. Something like that.
My musical tastes were forged during a time when bands went completely overboard with their names. I think that’s the part that most attracts to band-ing? Bands like Planes Mistaken for Stars, These Arms are Snakes, Sunny Day Real Estate, Texas is the Reason, And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, heck even Unprovoked Moose Attack was out there.
I’m well outside popular music’s reach these days, but from what I know, these sort of names don’t exist any more. I know Fun. 21 pilots? That sounds like way too many people to pay for writer’s credit, but 21 it is. I can’t even guess what a Major Lazer does.
Had I the opportunity to name a band? Oh golly, I couldn’t resist the allure of all the words that are great ways to follow up two fantastic words at every concert: We are… We are The Beatles? Lame. We are Devo? Okay. We are Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Boom. goes. the. dynamite. If you can’t follow the band introductory phrase ‘we are’ with something that will blow away the live audience’s minds why even try?
Here now, band names that pass the ‘we are’ test:
Going to Use an Off Key Xylophone
Concerned For All of You
Blind to Our Flaws
Making Dead Meme References All Night.
Going to Denny’s After This
Not That Good Looking
Lukewarm Water. Ew.
Duck, Duck, Goose Addicts
Going to Call You Out for that Moon Landing Opinion, Carol.
Prepped for the Zombie Apocalypse
Reporting Live From the Scene
Totally Spoiling Your Show
Useless in a Cubicle
Not Allowing Flash Photography
Available for Dinner
Five Minutes Late
Your Favorite Pizza Topping! Olives!
Chicken Nuggets Bent on Revenge!
Calling an Uber and Going Home
Eating a Real Live Honeycomb, guys! This is amazing!
Making this Up
Summoning the Old Ones. Seriously. Tonight Will Get Weird.
A Veiled Reference to Obscure Tolkien Tomes
Pretty Sure USB Ports Exist in a Quantum State of Being Right Side Up and Down At Once.
Incapable of Making that Heart Shape with Our Hands
Stuck In a Title Sequence
Thanks for reading!
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