The big amusement park here in ol’ Colorado is Elitch Gardens. Elitch’s for the hip folks who prefer to discuss things efficiently and everyone knows what you’re referencing anyway. I digress. I’ve never really cared for the amusement park experience personally. Roller Coaster Tycoon was my jam long ago. Just like saying “my jam” was the world’s jam long ago.
The ideal amusement park is a tricky topic. There’s no right. There’s no wrong. There’s only amusing. That ever popular incomprehensible concept that drives humanity to the arts, to science, to discovery, to betterment. These parks have some awesome responsibility.
There’s also the possibility of pizza and sticky concrete all over the place. These parks have some weird possibilities.
Lazy river, but the river is actually a room that always has pizza. And instead of lazy it is actually a fairly productive experience. Like you get all your bills paid and have time to make a really nice homemade pizza dough for later.
Tilt-a-whirl that moves in a circle quite slowly and has great wifi. One could sit while being slowly rotated and check up on currently trending pizza topics.
Carnival games galore! That one with the stacked bottles that have to be knocked over. The one with the dishes that have to knocked over. The one where you knock down moles. I think I just like destroying things in games. Perhaps the greatest carnival game of all is causing introspection and bringing about a realization that the anger within us all is something to come to terms with and control, recognize it is part of us, but it is never to be all of us. The boardwalk gets heavy sometimes, folks.
A hall of upside down mirrors. It’s a museum to explain the ’80s.
A Ferris Wheel that has screens in cars showing Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s a Ferris inception.
Costumed characters are a must, but in the perfect amusement park they are all Twilight Zone characters. One creepy kid runs around telling the characters what to do.
Concession stands with, like, eight types of pizza.
Face paint stations all over the place. Specializing in painting faces to match emojis. Is that an eggplant on grandpa’s cheek? You bet it is and he knows what he’s doing. He knows.
That thing from the end of Grease? The thing that spins around and provides a really cool visual effect for the final song? Shaped like a barrel and is just begging to cause insurance premiums to go up? Yeah. That won’t be present.
Benches for people to sit at and look at their phones. Benches should have a timer. Timer goes off, person gets off and finds a different bench. Don’t move, get a shock and someone dumps a drink on you. It’ll amuse someone.
Pinball machines. These need to be popular and accessible again. This time around? More pizza themed machines.