People on the Highway

Driving before the sun is up is odd.  I want to know a better word for it, but ‘odd’ has to suffice.  Lexicon shortage.  Drat.

The odd part about driving before sun is up is that every other light source is at least 45,0000X10^4 brighter than normal.  So that guy in the SUV behind you, the guy who just merged into the left lane to pass you, the guy who forgets to turn off his blinker? Yeah, that guy.  That guy is the worst.

Today’s tale: It was all Yellow

Best guess is that I am far from alone in the 4:00am alarm club.  Traffic is light before sunrise, but those of us on the road right now can claim to have been awake for at least an hour by now.  Another claim each and every person can make; they’re hangry.  No one has had breakfast yet.  Running on maybe 6 hours of sleep. Right now if a deer were to jump into the highway, some people would aim for it just to sate a blood lust that comes with low blood sugar.

The highway at 5am is like a real world Mad Max.  It is terrifying, but amazing all at once.  There are so many emotions going on at 65 miles per hour.

This morning, I’m driving down the country road trying to rid the car of the smell of dead skunk.  I’m having no luck.  Behind me, a car just a little taller than my own is racing down the road.  Like Carlin said, people are either {not smart} or lunatics depending on if you are behind them or being passed by them.  This driver is a lunatic.  The yellow light of the blinker flashes, like a lighthouse on a coastline it fills the area with its warning.

As the vehicle pulls up beside me, it’s path forward is blocked by a suddenly slowing Ford F150, I look over and see…well, nothing other than a car door.  It is very dark and the SUV’s windows appear to be tinted to an illegal degree.  Again, it’s dark, I’m likely exaggerating the tint.  The SUV begins to ride the bumper of the F150, so I slow down to avoid the soon to be spinning vehicles (brought about the inevitable bumper to bumper contact that will send both on a Brian Boitano-esque spin).

The yellow lights remains on.  Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. On and off, on and off, rapidly over and over again.  The whole road is overcome with the yellow light.  A mile passes and the light, it still blinks.

What could possibly have the driver so distracted that they notice not the blinker sound or their impending fender-bender based doom?  The same thing that has everybody distracted so early in the morning; hunger.

This driver spent a little too much time in the drive through lane of a 24 hour Mexican food place that promises (through neon sign) “The best breakfast in town!”  Greasy spoon all night Mexican food with an all day breakfast offering do not lie when they promise the best breakfast in town.  The driver, called Terry, is currently in possession of a chorizo, potato, egg breakfast taco.  The smell of the chorizo, the promise of pleasant spiciness and the crunch of fried potato against the fluffy scrambled egg is all that consumes his thoughts.

The breakfast taco is a novelty here in Colorado as they are typically just called breakfast burritos.  The Mexican food place prides itself on authentic Tex-Mex cooking though.  The flour tortilla is puffy, charred in the right spots and promises just as many calories as the meat.  Terry is salivating profusely as he thinks of the tiny plastic cup of jalapeno slices that accompanied his order.  It is pretty gross in the driver cab right now, actually.  He’s spending one third of his time controlling the vehicle, one third thinking about the breakfast and the final third wiping spit from his mouth.  He’s glad his boxer, Rhythm, isn’t around to see this as every single time he said “ew, slobber” to the dog would come back to haunt him.

It is another two miles of flashing yellow light before Terry puts a stop to the blinker.  At these speeds, sure that’s not a ton of time (a little less than two minutes. math.), but it feels like an eternity to both me and Terry.  Terry is edging ever closer to safely devouring his breakfast.  I am driving ever nearer insanity because that brightness in the dark that is Terry’s poorly driven SUV is just too dang much to deal with at this hour.

If you’re going to have a breakfast taco, Terry, why not bring enough for all of us? Huh, Terry? Huh?

By golly do I need to eat breakfast before hitting the road.



Thanks for reading!



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