What is a Wallet for Anyway?

For some reason I carry a wallet.  The sole purpose of the thing is to keep my driver’s license and debit card safe.  But the chewy faux leather has become a favorite chew toy of my toddler.  I am really excited for his teething period to come to a conclusion already.  I don’t use paper money and aside from a dollar bill my aunt gave me as I went off to college “so I would never be broke”, I don’t think it will ever house paper money again.  As it is basically a ceremonial item these days I have been wondering if there’s any point to keeping it.  I need my driver’s license for all of ten minutes a day and my debit card is…not very useful.

But! The wallet is very good for storing membership and reward program cards.  I now want to fill my wallet with these completely useless cards.  More importantly, I want to fill my wallet with cards for places I would never actually shop at or want to be associated with.  My plan is to gather these cards for the next decade and then, when my now five year old starts wanting to get out of the house on go on adventures of his own and he asks, “dad, can I borrow your card to get gas?” -provided we’re still using gasoline powered cars by then- I can tell him “Yeah, kiddo, it is in my wallet.”

When he ventures into the wallet he will see cards for places like, Bob’s Koala Jerky Loyalty Card, RNCC Fan Club, Blockbuster, Sharper Image Stamp Card, Salad-A-Go-Go Cucumber Palace Top Customer, membership to the academy that oversees the American Country Music Awards; things I would never actually participate in.

The kid will open the wallet and question everything I have ever told him.  He will question the foundation of his youth.  He will wonder if he ever really knew his father at all or if his life was one giant Truman Show thing gone wrong.

It will be a glorious moment and when he comes to me for answers, I will tell him, “well, when you were five years old you would often refuse to eat your dinner.  In response, I have plotted for more than a decade a way to force you into a brief moment where nothing at all made sense.  A moment in your life that you will now look back on and think, ‘holy *&#^ dad is messed up.’  My revenge has come to fruition and it is sweet! Sweet!”  I trail off with a few minutes of maniacal laughter at that point.

The laughter fades after some time and I instruct the kid to just use his phone app connected to the family bank account or use the biometric chip we’ll have implanted to handle our finances, probably laugh at him for wanting to “kick it old school” using a cards based account identifier.


Long story short, eating with a five year old is exhausting and I think the above just might be a fair response.  Let the plotting begin.

Good night everybody!


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