I think we all learned a few things this week aboard the Atlas Hiccup’d, our beloved submersible research craft. It is not the biggest boat in the sea, but it is our boat and we will always love her. Our voyage this week to the remote undersea volcano D43332 does need further discussion before we are able to mentally, emotionally, and personally move on to new expeditions.
First off, the gorilla in the 12 square foot room trapped beneath hundreds of feet of water, why were there golf balls? I am not going to name names here, but I really thought it went without saying that golf balls in all their super bouncy glory have no place in such a confined place.
Second, alcohol will no longer be allowed on these trips. We are researchers, men and women of science and we have work to do no matter how boring things get.
Third, and I do not really even know how to start here, but soaking golf balls in the alcohol was funny at first. Whoever decided to light the alcohol soaked golf balls in fire will be reprimanded. We found an engraved Zippo reading “Han Yolo!” with an outline of our beloved rogue near the site of what has been referred to as “the tee”. Once we identify the owner of the lighter, we will have words. Again, I do not understand why a lighter was in a submarine.
To update you on the status of the ship, the walls are still scorched with tiny, tiny burn marks everywhere the ball bounced. If a ship could have Chicken Pocks, this is what is would look like and you better believe our investors are displeased. Amused, but quite displeased.
In the future, I will make a better effort to make these trips for the four or five researchers aboard a little more bearable. I take full responsibility for what I have seen on social media as “The Masters of Underwater Fire Golf.”