The Essential Evil Lair

I started a new job today.  Exciting stuff, but as with any transition there’s a brief moment of “what else is out there?” Because settling is for the settled…or something.

So, to make that next career move extra fun, here are the essential components of my soon to be occupied lair.

No less than five cat-in-tree motivational posters

An open office plan, because there’s nothing more evil than having your coworkers clearly see your face when the power point you thought was done cannot be found on the office shared drive.  Down right cold.

One computer in the back that runs on Linux, but it is assigned to a guy that has not upgraded from Windows 98 yet.  There’s some water cooler talk!

No water coolers.

A daily email from “Mark” which contains memos about completely mundane things.  Mark is the office pariah, and everyone unites in their hatred of Mark, but it turns out that “Mark” is an algorithm that compiles obnoxious words together.

But do not waiver on Mark’s ban of Sun Chips.  That’s just good policy.

Quickbooks.  Probably.

Traps everywhere.  You never know when a nemesis will arrive.  Again, good policy.

Cake everywhere.  We’ll call it lair’d cake.  Laughs will be had.

One room that is completely empty but has a puddle of water in the middle of the floor.  Essential.

One room with Die Hard running on loop.

One room full of floppy discs.  New guy gets to find out what’s on them.

A hallway that lights up as you approach each individual wall sconce.  It would be so dark, but so cool.

A 401K match up to 12%; evil needs to at least have good benefits.

Mugs reading “Have They Cured Mondays Yet?” for every employee.


Sooooo basically, evil lairs are far from worthwhile.  At least we’ve worked that through.

Thanks for reading!




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