Lines and directives I want in my last will and testament to make the wake more interesting:
The secret location of the gold.
Instructions for the lawyer to say, “Before we begin, is every one sure they turned off the oven at home?” Family proceeds to second guess their entire day.
I bequeath my trashcans to my least favorite living relative. Talk it out folks.
Find *name randomly selected from a phone book if those still exist*, tell them I am gone. They are the last. They must protect it. They’ll know what all this means, don’t worry, but the message must be delivered in person.
Don’t check that old red desk in the basement, the one with the mostly broken boxes and smells of peppermint for some reason. It holds nothing but danger and a tale best left untold. Steer clear of that infernal desk, it will only cause misery in its wake. *continue like this for a little while, making the desk the only thing they want to see. Fill the desk with Snickers bars and a picture of a goat wearing a hat*
Heartfelt thanks to everybody for being part of my life and brightening each and every day, or something boring like that.
A crossword puzzle where every answer is “blue” except for 22 Down. 22 Down’s answer is “San Dimas High School Football Rules!” (just realizing now that my kids will never understand this reference and that makes it all the better)
Constant allusions to a third child, but nothing concrete.
Constant illusions using a deck of playing cards! On concrete.
Blueprints for an elaborate machine that will ultimately just turn on a light and say, “Tuesdays with Morrie Was An Underrated Piece of Cinema History” (I’ve never seen it, but no one needs to know that).
Well, back to writing a book…
Thanks for reading!